Fatal incompatibility
by tweeny-weeny
Summary: James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn’t care. “Trying” being the operative word. She can’t get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn’t find out. Eventual LJ
1. Erstwhile Angels

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Disclaimer:** None of this is mine.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

Chapter 1: Erstwhile Angels

* * *

"_Build a man a fire, and he'll be warm for a day. Set a man on fire, and he'll be warm for the rest of his life." -Terry Pratchett_

* * *

James Potter raised his head slowly when three boys burst into his compartment on the Hogwarts Express. "We've found you!" shouted Sirius joyfully, grabbing his best friend and swirling him around in the air,

"Sirius, put me down!" James cried in exasperation. looking pleadingly over Sirius' shoulder at Remus and Peter who were laughing in the doorway. Finally, Sirius dropped his friend on the floor, beaming happily,

"Ah, it's good to be back!"

"We haven't even left the station yet." Remus laughed, frowning at Sirius, who smiled unconcernedly,

"But I've left The Dominatrix behind for another 9 months." Sirius grinned happily, but Peter winced,

"I do wish you wouldn't call her that." James cocked an eyebrow at him, "What? It's just that Dominatrix has such…strange…connotations."

"That's a long word for you, Pete." Remus joked.

James stretched wildly, his jumper riding up so you could see his wrists; he was pleased to be back with his friends.

"James, what's that?" Remus demanded, pointing at James' left wrist.

"What?" James looked about, before he realised where Remus was looking, Sirius and Peter stared at his wrist too and James pulled down his jumper self-consciously covering up a nasty cut which started at his wrist and disappeared underneath his blue jersey, "Oh, that. I was playing with my cousin, he's only little and I fell into a rose bush. I swear that thing is almost as violent as the Whomping Willow." He grinned at his friends and they took to admiring his arm,

"You're going to have an amazing scar mate!" Sirius grinned,

"Thank goodness I've never been to your garden." Peter joked, looking incredibly relieved.

Remus looked searchingly at James for a moment, wondering if he was imagining a circle of dark shading under his chin but he shook his head and smiled as James handed him a card. He looked at it for a moment and then his eyes widened, "Wow, James. The limited edition Willie Wonka chocolate frog card! I've been searching for this for ever!"

James rolled his eyes at Remus' awed expression, "I know Remus – that's why I gave it to you." James made eye contact with Sirius and tried hard not to snort with laughter at the boy's satirical impersonation of Remus' wide-eyed glee.

"So, Remus," Peter finally said, trying to tear Remus away from his chocolate frog card, Remus was now muttering something along the lines of being complete and was just about to croon,

"Where have you been all my life?" when Peter completed his sentence,

"When do you have to go to the Prefect's compartment?" Sirius jumped so high James thought he would go through the ceiling,

"Why do you need to go to the Prefect's compartment?" He asked suspiciously and Remus looked sheepish,

"James, did Remus tell you anything I should know about?" Asked Sirius, his voice rising,

"No, my dear friend, it seems some important information is being kept from us." James replied, also raising his voice theatrically.

"Shut it guys." Remus snapped, "Iwasmadeaprefect." He mumbled quickly,

"What was that Remus, old buddy, old pal?" Asked Peter sweetly,

"Iwasmadeprefect." Remus mumbled again, now blushing a furious shade of red. James raised his eyebrow at Sirius,

"Now, he's getting all cocky on us, 'I was made perfect' indeed!"

Peter and Sirius let out short gasps of laughter and Remus scowled at James,

"I was made prefect, alright?" His voice practically spitting in indignation, James, Sirius and Peter looked at each other,

"Ooooooooooo" They said in unison, "Why didn't you say so earlier?" Remus scowled and scooping up a handful of Bertie Botts' Every Flavour Beans threw them at the other three's heads. A ferocious fight ensued, forever called in the minds of witnesses 'the-fight-in-which-the-other-use-of-Bertie-Botts-was-discovered' or 'the-war-of-flavours' for short.

* * *

"_A friend in power is a friend lost." Henry Adams._

* * *

Lily Evans had just arrived at the door to the Prefect's compartment when Remus Lupin suddenly barrelled into the back of her.

"Oops. Sorry Lily." Remus mumbled bashfully, Lily smiled at him,

"No problem, it's a good thing someone is excited about the first Prefect meeting of the term."

Lily waved at her friend Artis and then turned to Remus, walking into the compartment, "Congratulations on getting Prefect."

"Yeah, you too. Did you have a good holiday?"

"It was alright I guess. I'm pleased to be back." The two sat on seats at the back of the compartment and waited for the rest to arrive, waving at familiar faces as they came in, "Did you do anything special?" Remus opened his mouth to reply but at that moment the Head Boy and Girl called the meeting to order and both of the two turned to the front, excited about their first meeting.

About half way through Lily suddenly turned to Remus and muttered out of the corner of her mouth, "Remus, did you know you have red and orange spots on your forehead?" She smiled slightly as Remus flushed and mouthed

"Bertie Bott fight," while wiping at his forehead, "Better?" He asked, Lily tried to hold back a laugh,

"Yes." She didn't think it would be nice to tell him that although the spots had gone there was now a big red stripe across his head from where he had been scrubbing.

"Now, I'm sure you all know everyone, but just in case." the new head girl stood up, "I'm Amelia Bones, Head Girl, and I'm in Ravenclaw." She sat down and the head boy stood up,

"I'm Amos Diggory, Head Boy, and I'm in Hufflepuff." He sat down and one by one all the other people in the room stood up to introduce themselves so that in the end the fifth year prefects were the only ones who hadn't introduced themselves. A sallow skinned boy stood up, his hooked nose stood out from his face,

"Severus Snape," He sneered, "Prefect, and Slytherin." He smirked proudly, glared at Lily and sat down. Remus scowled and whispered under his breath

"How did _he_ make Prefect?" Lily didn't answer, instead she stood up and smiling embarrassedly said quietly,

"Lily Evans, Prefect, and Gryffindor." She sat down just before a flush rose onto her face, Remus stood up next to her, fortunately for him without a red mark on his forehead,

"Remus Lupin," he opened his mouth to say "prefect" but somehow the words came out wrong "Perfect!" Remus flushed and several people started to giggle. Suddenly he heard a muffled laughing coming from the other side of the door, he yanked it open and James, Sirius and Peter fell in, laughing hysterically, Remus glared at them, and James looked up, tears of joy almost running down his cheeks,

"Perfect!" he spluttered, and immediately Remus said,

"Remus Lupin," he clapped his hands to his mouth, and looked set to throttle James and Sirius and Peter, all at once. "What did you do?" He demanded furiously,

"Simple word association charm, you hear Remus Lupin,"

"Perfect," Remus said, then clenched his teeth when he realised what he'd just said,

"And you have to say 'Perfect'"

"Remus Lupin" Amos Diggory had to hold Remus back when he realised that he'd said something once again,

"And it works the same the other way round!" Sirius laughed, apparently unperturbed by his friend's murderous expression.

"Take it off." Remus commanded, his grey eyes narrowing.

"Fine, fine, Remus Lupin."

"Perfect. Ah! Take it off." Finally Lily took pity on Remus and as Sirius, James and Peter didn't seem capable of uttering a coherent sentence at the moment, let alone of saying a spell, she said impatiently, a hint of a smile tugging at the corners of her mouth,

"Finite Incantatem" Remus smiled gratefully at her, before resuming his analysis of how he could hurt his friends the easiest. James noticed this finally and stood up abruptly,

"Sorry to interrupt, we'll leave you per…prefects to your important business." He winked at Remus and Amelia before dragging Sirius and Peter back to their compartment.

* * *

"_Comedy is simply a funny way of being serious." Peter Ustinov_

* * *

Finally, Remus was allowed out of the Prefect's meeting, and he returned to the Marauders' compartment, still fuming at the prank. Sure he saw the funny side, he shook his head, no, he didn't, focus on the anger, Remus, focus on the anger.

He entered the compartment and immediately turned on his three friends who at the sight of his furious face had started laughing again. "You are impossible; I don't know why I bother being your friend!"

"Come on Remus, you know you love us." Smiled Peter cajolingly,

"No! I don't, I hate you, all three of you. Especially you," He pointed at James,

"ME?" James screeched,

"Yes, I know what you were doing giving me that chocolate frog card now, you were distracting me" James paled slightly, but no one noticed, Sirius was attracting their attention,

"Nonsense, Reme old boy, we only cast the spell when you were at the Prefect's meeting."

"Oh." He paused to assimilate what this meant, "Sorry James,"

"Oh no, you're not getting out of this, I do something nice for you and then you accuse me of manipulation and distraction!" James pretended to pout, his face back to its normal colour. "Maybe I should just take the card back as you're so ungrateful."

"NO!" Remus gasped, "I'm sorry, don't take it back James, please." Remus started mumbling again about the card making him complete,

"Fine, you can keep it." James laughed,

"Yes, James you're the best!"

"James you're the best," Sirius mimicked in a silly voice, Remus punched him on the arm,

"Shut up, Sirius."

"Never!" James snorted at Sirius mock theatrical voice before Sirius hit Remus back and a full scale fight broke out, James started to back out but before he got away Sirius grabbed his ankle from his position on the floor, "Oh no, you're not getting out that easily."

James suddenly found himself in the middle of a ferocious battle between two of his best friends, he tried to block as well as he could and threw a few punches before he was caught full in the stomach with a nasty punch, automatically he curled into a ball, all the fight gone. "I'm sorry, I'm sorry." He whispered over and over, not able to stop himself, he began to rock back and forth slowly and flinched slightly when somebody stood over him.

"James, what are you doing?" Sirius asked cautiously and immediately James stopped, remembering where he was, he wasn't in danger. But Sirius, Remus and Peter were looking at him curiously, how would he get out of this one? He stood up quickly, a large smile plastered on his face, "Got you!" He shouted, "You should have seen your faces!" Sirius and Peter laughed,

"Good one, James!" Peter cried and Sirius pushed him on the shoulder in a friendly way, James stiffened slightly but no one seemed to notice. James looked up and his eyes caught Remus' brown ones looking at him anxiously, as if wondering whether to say something or not. James turned away, and in his usual cocky voice said, "I have a great idea for the start of term prank guys!" Immediately Remus stopped looking at him like he was something to be studied. He had his three friends in rapt attention, and he started to outline his idea.

* * *

"_This film cost $31 million. With that kind of money I could have invaded some country." - Clint Eastwood_

* * *

Eventually the Hogwarts Express drew to a halt at Hogsmeade Station and pupils started to flood out of the train, there was a familiar call of "Firs' years! Follow me, Firs' years!" and the four Marauders called over to the giant man surrounded by nervous children,

"Hi Hagrid!" the huge man smiled at them benevolently before ushering the first years onto the small boats. Sirius, James, Peter and Remus all climbed into one of the horseless carriages and started to chat about their plan, so that in no time at all it was time to get off and go into the front hall.

They all automatically looked up as they entered the front hall and were pleased to see that Peeves wasn't anywhere to be seen, they all remembered how, last year, Peeves had soaked them all with water bombs. James looked left and right and suddenly ducked under a tapestry, whispering to Sirius, "I'll go talk to the House elves, save me a seat at the table." Sirius nodded once and looked around to see Remus, but he was already talking to Professor McGonagall, asking seriously about one of the holiday questions.

About three minutes later, Remus broke off from Professor McGonagall and headed over to where Sirius and Peter were waiting, "I couldn't stall her any longer; there are only so many questions you can ask about transfiguring porcupines into bowls." Sirius nodded in sympathy,

"Let's just hope it's long enough, we'd better get into the Great Hall."

About 2 minutes later James suddenly walked into the Great Hall looking slightly out of breath, he glanced at the teachers and then headed over to the Gryffindor table with the last of the stragglers, sliding into the seat Sirius had been saving him.

"Just in time, James." Peter whispered under his breath. James smiled and then feigned a complete interest in the sorting hat, cheering when someone was sorted into Gryffindor and hissing with the rest of them when someone was sorted into Slytherin.

Finally the last first year was sorted and Dumbledore stood up, his eyes looking around the hall over the top of his half-mooned glasses. "Let us eat."

A cheer went up around the hall and instantly food appeared on all the tables. The four fifth year Gryffindor boys started picking up food from the dishes surrounding them, looking surreptitiously at the Slytherin table. Suddenly a loud scream came from the source of their interest, a second year girl was hovering in the air with giant white wings sprouting from her back, a harp had appeared in her hands and she was suddenly singing "Gryffindor rules" at the top of her voice while her halo twinkled merrily. She was quickly joined by the rest of the table as each person who drank any pumpkin juice suddenly sprouted wings and took to the sky.

The Gryffindor table roared with laughter, especially when Snape started to sing, his eyes flashing angrily "Who are the kings of the school? Gryffindors are too cool!"

McGonagall looked torn between laughter and anger and the Marauders hoped she would stay like that for a while – the best was yet to come.

But the rest of the school never got to see what the Marauders had planned for the now angelic Slytherins as with a swish of his wand Dumbledore removed the wings, harps and halos from the erstwhile angels and the entire table found themselves sitting on their benches again. Almost instantly the entire table stood up and glared at the Marauders, who, knowing they had been busted, stood up and bowed haughtily at them. Professor McGonagall glared furiously at them and indicated that they were to go to her office immediately.

Remus hung his head and dragged his feet - he might just be the only Prefect ever to have lasted only one night. However, he decided to make the most of it and walked proudly out of the hall with the other three, amidst furious shouts from the Slytherins and cheers from the Ravenclaw and Hufflepuff tables.

When they reached Professor McGonagall's office James knocked on the door and smiled at the others, "it's a shame that Dumbledore didn't wait a bit longer, it would have been funny when they all started to dance." Sirius and Peter snorted and Remus smiled a little, James flashed him a worried look, "You all right mate?"

Remus smiled despondently "I may just be the only person in the history of Hogwarts to only be prefect for one day."

"Well, actually less than that." Peter laughed,

"Don't worry about it mate." Sirius added, "Who are they going to give the prefect's badge to if they take it off you? We're the only ones they've got, and they can hardly not have a male 5th year Gryffindor prefect!"

"Besides if they try to give it to one of us we'll refuse! That badge is all yours." James smiled warmly at him and Remus began to see the logic in their argument.

At that moment Professor McGonagall stalked over to them and opened the door to her office, glaring at the four boys with tight lips. They followed her in and sat down opposite her on austere wooden chairs. Sirius contemplated conjuring a cushion but decided not to push his luck.

They enjoyed a staring match with McGonagall for a while but she soon frowned in impatience and said "I am very disappointed in all of you. Particularly you Mr Lupin, as a Prefect you should know better than to encourage such acts of immaturity and insolence." Remus hung his head in shame and James glowered at McGonagall,

"It wasn't Remus' fault Professor; it was mine and Sirus' idea."

"Admirable as your intention is Mr. Potter I'm afraid that that doesn't change the fact that what you boys did was wrong. 30 points from Gryffindor and a week's detention each."

"But Professor!" they chorused, outraged,

"No buts, now return to your common room and report to Mr Filch for you detentions at 6 tomorrow." She got up to leave and indicated that they could go; however, as she got up she knocked a pile of papers to the floor and when Remus and James bent down to pick them up she said "20 points each to Gryffindor." before walking out.

The four boys walked back to the common room in shock, "30 points each!" moaned Sirius,

"At least Remus and I gained 40 points"

"That's still 80 points lost, James." Remus pointed out,

"But Remus still has his Prefects badge." Peter added; Sirius clapped him on the shoulder,

"Very true." He beamed at Remus "and did you see Snivellus' face when he saw his harp?" Sirius smiled, obviously reminiscing, "I want to remember that moment for the rest of my life."

"Your wish might be granted if Snape finds you anytime soon." Sirius whirled around and saw Lily Evans with Artis Humphreys; it had been Artis who had spoken.

Sirius grimaced mockingly at her, "I'm more than capable of holding my own against Snivellus thank you."

"Ah, but what about the Snape with a halo and a harp? I'm sure those wings give him an advantage!" Lily joked,

"He'd be like a giant turkey waiting to be plucked," Sirius grinned, looking worryingly half wishful, scanning the air and pretending to shoot a gun at invisible turkeys,

"I'm hungry." Said Peter suddenly, busy imagining turkey sandwiches with bread sauce.

"Me too. Let's go get some food." James decided, looking at Remus, Sirius and Peter, "You coming?"

"You can't!" Lily burst out.

"Why not?"

"Because you already lost points for Gryffindor tonight and you could end up in detention for a month if you're caught." She cried, thoroughly exasperated,

"Well, we'll just not get caught then." James said smugly, Lily glared at his hated cocky smile,

"Fine, some of us actually care about the fact that our House is already in negatives. But if you're going to be selfish…" She turned and stalked away, with Artis hurrying after her,

"Selfish?" James hissed, "Selfish? I'm about to starve to death and she calls me selfish? How am I meant to win back those points if I've died of starvation?" Sirius nodded in agreement with his friend but Remus frowned,

"She's right guys." James glared at him,

"No, she's not. We'll go get some food from the kitchens, we won't be caught and tomorrow we'll win enough points to put us in the lead." He said in determination, walking towards the kitchens,

"Are you guys coming?" He asked over his shoulder. Remus, Peter and Sirius shared a glance, but then the three hurried after their friend. They weren't exactly keen on letting James go alone in his current mood.

* * *


	2. Turkey Season

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling, anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 2: Turkey Season.

* * *

"_I have a mind to join a club and beat you over the head with it." - Groucho Marx_

* * *

The following morning four Gryffindors sat at the breakfast table in the Great Hall, chatting happily. Well actually James chatted happily, whilst Peter groaned as he looked at his timetable and Remus and Sirius competed for the "I-do-not-do-mornings" award.

"What've we got first then, Pete?" James asked as Peter groaned loudly for the sixth time in 10 minutes.

"Transfiguration." He muttered dully, Sirius immediately sat up,

"Transfiguration?" he repeated weakly,

"Yeah" Sirius slumped onto the table, banging his forehead up and down against the hard wood. Remus looked amused,

"What've you done now?"

"I _bang _may have _bang_ suggested to _bang_ Peeves_ bang bang _that McGonagall had expressed a _bang_ interest in _bang_ teaching her first_ bang_ class _bang_ not to underestimate poltergeists." Remus caught the top of Sirius' head before he could slam it onto the table again.

"You did what?" James asked, his eyebrows rising. Sirius didn't make a comprehensible reply but Peter thought he made out some murmuring along the lines of 'somebodykillmenow.'

"But why would you do that?" Remus asked incredulously,

"What was the likelihood that we would have transfiguration first lesson? Somebody had told me they thought that 6th year Slytherins had it." Sirius started to look murderously around the room; James guessed he was looking for his unfortunate source.

"Well, Peeves has never listened to us before, he may not do anything." James said optimistically. The other 3 looked at him in sceptically, "OK, let's just hope it's not too bad."

The four stood up reluctantly and headed out of the Great Hall thinking about what Peeves might do to them, except for Sirius, who inexplicably was suddenly imagining Snape transfigured into a giant turkey.

The four waited outside the classroom until the door burst open of its own accord, quickly the class entered. The Marauders headed, as they usually did, for seats together at the back of the class but, before they could make it, a hand was placed on Sirius' shoulder, "I think Mr Black, it may be prudent for me to separate you from Mr Potter." Professor McGonagall said severely,

"Aw, but Professor!" James and Sirius moaned, but then Sirius spotted a empty chair next to Parisa Atri, a small dark haired girl, he winked at her, smiled at McGonagall and made his way over to the empty seat,

"Good idea Professor, always nice to broaden your friendship groups." James smirked as McGonagall glared at Sirius, who had just 'accidentally' tripped into Parisa's lap, before turning and sitting next to Remus.

The class soon settled down and turned their attention to McGonagall's speech "This year is very important, OWLs are approaching fast…" James yawned and turned to Remus,

"Why do I get the feeling I will be bored of this speech very soon?"

"Soon? I'm already bored." Remus sighed.

Suddenly the door burst open and Peeves screeched into the room, Peter glanced white faced at Sirius, who appeared to have resumed hitting his head on the desk.

"PEEVES!" screeched Professor McGonagall, her lips thinning dangerously. Peeves cackled happily, his eyes glinting. He quickly spotted Sirius banging his head on the table and took Sirius' lack of attention as an invitation to launch a water balloon at his head. Sirius swore loudly and leaped up as the class began to scream, racing under tables to avoid the rapidly flying balloons. James laughed as he banished a balloon back at Peeves.

Suddenly Sirius had had enough; he jumped onto the table and shouted "STOP!" at the top of his voice. Peeves stopped in the act of pelting Peter with whipped cream, now this was new. The class waited expectantly for Sirius to continue, even McGonagall seemed interested in this new turn of events, "You have to leave the room now!" Peeves frowned,

"Why?" He demanded petulantly, the class looked at Sirius,

"Er…because…" He racked his brains, "Peeves, I am your father!" There was a beat as the class looked at Sirius in shock, somebody giggled,

"No your not," Peeves said, completely dumbfounded,

"Er…well…yes…that would be true." He paused and then suddenly his face went pale and he pointed a finger at somewhere behind Peeves, "The Bloody Baron!" Peeves' face fell and with a last raspberry at the class he bounced away.

Everyone looked at Sirius, who was still standing on the desk with his finger pointing at the blank wall, "What?" he asked them, smiling evilly, Professor McGonagall pulled herself together,

"Get down from there Mr Black," She waved her wand and everyone was immediately dry, "Mr Black?" Sirius raised his head, trying to ignore James, who was doing an impersonation with Peter of Sirius standing on the desk,

"Peeves, I am your father!" Sirius glared at him and then turned to Professor McGonagall,

"Yes, Professor?"

"30 points to Gryffindor for your quick thinking." Sirius beamed,

"Thanks Professor."

"OK, the lesson is over, Mr Potter" James suddenly stopped his impersonation, "Please stay behind," James slumped and Sirius blew a raspberry at him in a way which was reminiscent of Peeves. The class filed out, still laughing at Sirius' antics, Remus clapped Sirius on the shoulder,

"Good thing no one knows it was you who gave Peeves the idea to come into class." He laughed, Peter suddenly spoke up, his face confused,

"Why did you say you were Peeves father?" Sirius went a little pink,

"It's a line from a muggle movie James and I saw in the holidays." Peter was about to ask what a movie was when Remus asked,

"I wonder why James had to stay behind." The others shrugged, they had no idea.

* * *

"_Caution: Cape does not enable user to fly."_

* * *

James looked anxiously at Professor McGonagall, trying to figure out what he'd done wrong while McGonagall tidied a pile of papers on her desk. "How long have you been on the Quidditch team, Mr Potter?" James frowned at the strange question,

"Since second year, so um, this would be my fourth year." McGonagall nodded her head,

"Who do you think should be Quidditch captain this year?" McGonagall looked at him evenly and James pondered the question,

"Well, Tristan Meadows has been on the team longest I guess…"

"Yes, I have spoken to Mr Meadows, he agrees with my decision." James felt a little sad for some reason,

"I'm sure he'll be a very good captain." He tried to inject some enthusiasm into his voice, McGonagall looked strangely at him.

"What are you talking about Potter? Mr Meadows isn't the captain."

"He's not?" James asked bemusedly,

"No, I have decided that you will fill the role better."

"ME?" James squeaked, "But…"

"Yes, Potter?"

"Nothing, Professor. Thank you, Professor." Professor McGonagall smiled thinly,

"Just try not to get in so much trouble this year Potter; else I may have to revise my decision." James nodded his head vigorously,

"Absolutely, I won't let you down, Professor."

"Good, because I would quite like to see that House Cup in my office this year." James smiled,

"See you in detention, Professor." McGonagall raised her eyebrows,

"What detention Mr Potter? I don't suppose that that is some new slang for Quidditch tryouts is it?" James caught on quickly and decided to leave before McGonagall changed her mind about letting him off detention,

"Good bye Professor."

"Good bye, Mr Potter."

James left Professor McGonagall's office with a bemused expression on his face; he walked back to the Gryffindor common room deep in thought: imagining elaborate twists and turns, scoring goals, dodging bludgers and of course, winning the Quidditch cup.

He had just passed the library when he crashed into somebody and fell flat on the floor. "Umph!" He scooped up his glasses and put them back on his long nose before looking around to see what he had crashed into. As soon as he saw who it was his face darkened, but he stood up and offered his arm graciously anyway, "Sorry Evans, I wasn't looking where I was going."

The small red haired glared up at him, her green eyes flashing, "I suppose you just expect people to get out of your way don't you?" she said angrily, ignoring his hand and scooping up her books.

"Maybe I was just going out of my way to bump into you Evans?" James grinned arrogantly. She scowled deeply and brushed past him. "Are you going back to the common room, Evans?" James asked conversationally, falling into step beside her.

"Yes." Lily ground out past gritted teeth. James smiled; how he loved irritating her.

"So, Evans did you notice that Gryffindor's back in the lead?"

"No thanks to you." She snapped

"Did you enjoy Peeves little visit in Transfiguration?"

"It wouldn't surprise me if you had got him to come in on purpose, I saw you grinning at Black about it." James smiled, if only she knew how close she was to the truth,

"So you were staring at me were you?" Lily blanched

"WHAT?"

"Well, I know you find me devilishly handsome, but taking advantage of me and looking at me with a wet shirt on is not very feminine, Evans dear." Lily appeared too shocked to speak; she opened her mouth a few times and then shut it again,

"I think I'm going to be scarred for life," she said in a small voice, and with that she ran off, cheeks still unnaturally pale. James frowned after her,

"I'm not that bad looking am I?" he muttered before he forgot about Lily entirely. He had more important things to think about, like Quidditch trials. He grinned wildly and then continued to head up to Gryffindor common room, he couldn't wait to tell Sirius.

* * *

"_A friend in power is a friend lost" - Henry Adams_

* * *

James ambled happily into the common room and immediately broke off to sit by Sirius, Remus and Peter, who were apparently arguing about why McGonagall had kept him behind,

"I still think it was because of the impersonations -"

"It can't have been Peter else you would have been kept behind as well -"

"Exactly Remus that is why the real reason is that he is having an illicit and steamy affair with McGonagall -"

"So that's why my marks are so high." James hit his head in an imitation of enlightenment and his friends whirled around quickly, Sirius even had the grace to look a little sheepish about his 'idea'. He soon forgot the expression however and turned eagerly to James,

"So why did Professor McG keep you behind?" James raised an eyebrow at "McG" but didn't comment,

"I can't tell you, I've been scarred for life by the affair comment." James grinned, Evans was useful for something then, that 'scarred for life' line was quite good. Sirius fell to the floor and wrapped his arms around James' knees.

"Please, Jamesie, please, please, please tell us, I'm sorry." He then proceeded to pretend to cry into James robes,

"Interesting," murmured Remus, putting on his teacher's voice, "the subject has reverted to childhood in order to escape the blame." James snorted and Sirius sat up indignantly,

"That's it, Remus Lupin you are not coming to my party." James began to laugh and Peter soon joined in, pretty quickly all were in hysterics and Sirius nobly fought to keep his face straight, he was now crying "muuummyyyyyy, they're laughing at meee muuuuummyyyyyy!" at the top of his voice, receiving several amused looks from the other people in the common room. Finally, Sirius ran out of childish comments and so he merely looked coolly at his friends, still laughing on the floor, and said "You guys are so childish sometimes." The hypocrisy of the statement set James, Remus and Peter off again and it took quite a while until they we're all seated and straight faced once more,

Finally Remus spoke up, "So James, why did Professor McGonagall keep you behind?"

"You know a little game called Quidditch," his friends rolled their eyes, James talked of little else, "They made me captain!" He grinned infectiously,

"That's great!" Peter shouted as Remus slapped James on the back, James stiffened slightly but kept smiling, Sirius pretended to look mournfully at the floor,

"What's up Sirius?" Peter asked curiously,

"We've lost them Pete." The three raised their eyebrows at each other

"They say 'a friend in power is a friend lost' and we have TWO friends in power. They have to obey the rules, have extra duties, half of the Marauders have gone, left us behind. We'll have to keep up the flag on our own Pete, are we up to the job?"

"Don't be ridiculous, just think, with Remus' and mine's privileges we'll know for definite every single passage in the castle." Sirius smiled at the thought,

"So…when are you holding Quidditch tryouts?"

"I was thinking this Saturday."

"Can't." Peter said mournfully,

"Why not?"

"We have detention, remember?"

"Oh, I was let off." James looked at his friends expressions of shock, "I guess McGonagall really wants to win the Quidditch cup. So how about Friday then?"

"Nope," said Sirius cheerfully, quite enjoying the angry look on James face and the testy,

"why not?"

"We have to add more to the potion, I reckon it'll be finished by the end of term if we add the boomslang skin on Friday." James nodded in agreement, they wouldn't let Remus down.

"Sunday?"

"Full moon." Remus said in a monotone, the four were silent for a moment, they had never done anything on a full moon since they had discovered about Remus' condition in second year, they didn't want Remus to think he was being left out,

"So, Thursday it is then." James looked around, expecting some problem to arise,

"Thursday's good." Said Sirius chirpily,

"Can't think of anything happening on Thursday." Mumbled Remus,

"I've always liked Thursdays." Added Peter, he then frowned when his friends looked at him incredulously, "What? I was born on a Thursday."

James shook his head, "So I was thinking that I should get all the team together and then we can decide, make sure they fit with the whole team."

"Good idea." Remus said sagely, "What positions do you need?" A look of concentration appeared on James' face,

"We have two chasers, me and Frank Longbottom, so we'll need another one. Tristan Meadows is Keeper, Helena Wan is beater but we still need another one, so…" James counted on his fingers, "We need a chaser, a beater and a seeker." He leaned his head back,

"That shouldn't be too hard." Remus said encouragingly but James didn't lift his head, 'hard?" he thought, 'getting three halfway decent people on the team would be nearly impossible.'

* * *

"_On the way back, they sang a number of tuneful and reflective songs on the subjects of peace, justice, morality, culture, sport, family life, and the obliteration of all other life forms." -Douglas Adams_

* * *

Lily came down from the Girls' dormitory the following day and was shocked to see a crowd of people standing around the notice board, chatting excitedly. She looked over at Parisa with raised eyebrows "What's going on?" Parisa shrugged and so Lily headed over to Artis, hoping that she would know more.

Artis shrieked when she saw Lily and Parisa, her curly blonde hair streamed out behind her as she ran over excitedly, "What's going on?" Parisa asked curiously,

"James Potter has been made Quidditch captain," Lily looked at Parisa, she didn't seem surprised,

"And?" she asked coolly,

"Quidditch tryouts are Thursday." This was exciting, Lily's green eyes flashed with pleasure, this year the position was finally open and she was going to try out for seeker.

"Here's your chance Lils!" Parisa said excitedly, Lily grinned brightly for a moment before her face fell, "What's wrong?"

"Potter's captain. There's no way he'll let me be on his team." She said sadly, regretting for the first time that she appeared to be the only one in the school, except for the Slytherins of course, who wasn't in Potter's fan club.

"Don't worry Lils, it's a team decision, and whatever you think of Potter he's passionate about Quidditch, he won't compromise the team for the sake of personal opinion, if you're the best you'll be on the team." Lily frowned, everything she knew about Potter pointed to the fact that he was far from fair – why else would he go around hexing people? But who knew, maybe Parisa would be right? Potter was a definitely mad about Quidditch.

Artis and Parisa looked worriedly at her, "You're still going to try out right?"

"Yes, I'll try out. Damn Potter, I'll show him and be the best there is!"

"I would say that's the spirit, but, you really should be playing for the love of the game." Parisa said dryly,

"Oh, I'll play for that too." Lily said absentmindedly, still imagining the time when Potter would have to admit that she was good at something, and she _was_ good at Quidditch. "Are you two coming to breakfast?" She set out towards the Great Hall and Artis and Parisa hurried after her, sending each other sideways looks.


	3. DAMN IT!

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling, anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 3: DAMN IT!

* * *

"_I rant, therefore I am." - Dennis Miller_

* * *

"Damn it!" James exclaimed loudly for the 10th time in as many minutes. Remus had given up raising his eyebrows at him and Sirius thought he might need eyeball replacement surgery after the number of times he had rolled his eyes, Peter had just decided to ignore his friend until the subject changed.

James stabbed at a scuffed piece of parchment viciously and cursed when his quill sunk into his thumb by mistake. Sucking the wound to lessen the pain he demanded angrily,

"Why Evans?"

Remus raised his eyebrows, even though he had promised himself he wouldn't, and wondered if you could pull a muscle from eyebrow-raising. "Well, other people did I try out."

"They were useless." James said bluntly,

"Well technically, yes…"

"Some of them hadn't touched a broom since first year, Remus!"

"Some of them hadn't touched a broom full stop!" Sirius put in helpfully; well at least he tried to pretend that that comment was helpful,

"Damn it!" James yelled again, much to the vexation of those in the common room who were working, they still managed to hear him even though he was shouting from the Marauder's dorm.

"What's so bad about having Lily on the team?" Peter asked curiously. James looked at him with an expression nearing the one he had given Peter in 1st year; the time when Peter had asked James why he had an inherent loathing of Cornish pixies. The look said it all in three simple words, "Are. You. Mad?"

Unfortunately Sirius and Remus did not appear to think that Peter's statement warranted his immediate removal to the insanity wing at St. Mungo's. "That's a good point Pete," Sirius mused, James' jaw dropped.

"Laying aside the point about your mutual dislike for each other," Remus began,

"Which she is obviously willing to ignore for the time being in order to be on the team." Sirius interrupted. Remus glared at him but continued as if no one had spoken,

"She was the best person who tried out for the seeker position; she gets on well with the team." James opened his mouth to protest, "Fine. She gets on well with most of the team."

"She's smart, and loves Quidditch." Sirius added,

"She has all the same frees as you so she'll always be able to make practise." Peter put in his two cents. James glared at the three, looked at his papers, tore them in half and yelled at the top of his voice,

"DAMN IT!"

Remus struggled with himself in attempt to stop his eyebrows from becoming permanently attached to his hair line. "So, are you going to tell her now? Or will you tell her later?" James scowled at the identical grins on his three friends faces and said,

"I thought I was the Gryffindor Quidditch Captain."

"You are, as long as we agree with your decisions." James glared again, stood up and stomped down to the common room. Remus gave up and raised his eyebrows at Sirius who rolled his eyes back before getting up to make sure James didn't kill Evans before the first practise, or vice versa.

They met up with James at the bottom of the stairs, and wondering why he was so silent they followed his line of vision. Lily was sitting by the fire talking to Parisa and Artis, they were obviously joking around and as the four boys got nearer he heard what Lily was saying,

"My name is James Potter – but you can call me God!" She said in a ridiculously low voice, "I will smite the evil Lily Evans for daring to exist!" She gave up on the voice and said smiling slightly, "there is no way Potter would let me on the team if I was the last person on the planet, because that is the type of selfish, self-important person he is."

No one said a word and Lily's smile faded slightly, "He's right behind me isn't he?" Parisa and Artis nodded, and Lily turned around to confront a not very amused Potter and three sidekicks. "If you're waiting to see me cry I'm not going to."

"What are you talking about, Evans?" James asked tersely,

"Just because I didn't get onto your stupid team doesn't mean I'm going to burst into tears, so if that was your intention you can just leave and go back to making whoever your victim at the moment is life hell."

"Excuse me?" James said coldly,

"You heard." Lily replied, equally frostily.

"Evans," James said with no expression evident in his voice, "I just came over to inform you that after careful deliberation you have been selected as Seeker." Lily's jaw dropped, but she recovered quickly and looked at James in abject coolness, "however, as you have decided that you no longer want to be on the team I may have to review my initial decision."

Sirius, Remus, Peter, Artis and Parisa looked between the two tensely as James turned and walked away. There was a beat and Lily quickly got up, ignoring her friends, and grabbed Potter's arm as he left. James swung around, and his eyes flashed dangerously when he spotted Lily, so much so that she quickly withdrew her hand from his arm. James was counting his blessings that he hadn't flinched.

"Potter." He looked down on her and the common room began to quieten to see what would happen between the two, "I would like to, apologise," Lily reluctantly said, she knew when she was in the wrong. However, James did not lose any of his impenetrable expression at her words, she continued anyway, "apologise for, making comments which were clearly unjustified, at present" The common room waited with baited breath for what would happen next and so were disappointed when James still did not make any indication of listening to a word Lily was saying, he looked at her with impassive hardness, "S…so," Lily stuttered on, "I definitely would like to accept a place as seeker," and then very quietly, "if you'll still have me."

The silence spread and every eye fixed on James as they waited for his response. The tension grew and finally James turned around and running a hand through his hair he said, "Don't be late for practise."

* * *

"_When confronted by a difficult problem, you can solve it more easily by reducing it to the question, "How would the Lone Ranger have handled this?"" - Brady's First Law of Problem Solving _

* * *

Back in the fifth year boy's dormitory the four Marauders each sat on their beds, there was a moment of awkward silence as Sirius, Remus and Peter watched James, "You handled that very well James." Remus said at last and the other two nodded vigorously in agreement,

"Why did she say that?"

"What, the 'My name is James Potter – but you can call me God!'" Sirius said dramatically, Peter sometimes wondered if Sirius would run away to be an actor,

"No, the part about me making some other victim's life hell. She called me selfish and self-important and then accused me of taking pleasure from seeing her cry!" James voice rose towards the end of his speech, "What PLANET is she from?" he asked in exasperation.

"Well, you have probably made her almost cry a record number of times." Remus began gently,

"That's because she's infuriating, I didn't take pleasure from it or wake up in the morning with the express purpose of making her cry." James ran his hand through his hair again,

"We do pick on Snape and the other Slytherins," Remus put in,

"And a few other deserving people." Peter added,

"Exactly _deserving people_ and they either do it to us or are too stupid to be believed!" Sirius burst out; James nodded in agreement before falling back into thought,

"Am I selfish and self-important?" He asked in a small voice,

"You're one of the most generous guys I know." Peter said kindly,

"You did only finally agree to let her on the team because we bullied you into it." Remus pestered,

"Stop being so pessimistic, Remus." Sirius grunted,

"I let her on for the good of the team. We need the best out there so Gryffindor wins the House Cup this year, I'm sick of Diggory gloating over it." Remus looked at James doubtfully before giving up and rolling his eyes.

"Fine, whatever you say, James."

James glared at him, "Shut it, wolf-boy!" he teased. Remus went slightly pale, but Sirius punched him playfully on the arm,

"I wouldn't tease Remus if I was you Jamsie-wamsie, in just a few weeks we'll all know what kind of creature you really are, I'm still betting on it being an amoeba."

"You don't even know what an amoeba is, Sirius." James laughed,

"Of course I do, it is a small jelly-like thing which is slightly grosser than Severus Snape."

"Um…Whatever you say Sirius?" James muttered, shooting 'did-you-tell-him-that' stares at Remus. Remus shrugged back.

"Anyway you let Evans on the team." Sirius said in a sing-song voice, changing the subject to hide the fact that he had absolutely no idea what an amoeba was. James looked momentarily taken aback at the quick subject change but then he dropped his head between his hands and shouted at the top of his voice,

"DAMN IT!"

* * *

"_I am free of all prejudices. I hate every one equally." - W. C. Fields_

* * *

Lily was in shock. She sat in one of the chairs in front of the fire and slowly started to tear the bottom of her parchment into even lines. Parisa and Artis looked at her worriedly for a moment before Artis grabbed the parchment out of Lily's hands, she didn't think McGonagall would appreciate a shredded piece of homework.

After several minutes of silence in which Lily stared at the fire and Artis and Parisa looked tensely at each other Lily finally spoke, "I'm on the team." She spoke with numb disbelief,

"Er…yeah. Congratulations." Parisa said, that wasn't exactly what was on her mind at the moment,

"But, he doesn't like me. He wouldn't let me on the team if the House Cup depended on it."

"Your kind of underestimating him don't you think, he did put aside his personal dislike for you and let you on the team. He obviously knows you're the best." Artis said gently,

"He didn't do it willingly; I could have heard him cursing if I was in the dungeons."

"Well, you did call him selfish and self-important, insinuated that he thought he was God and that he was some kind of sadist who liked making you cry." Lily looked embarrassed,

"I apologised." She looked up eyes wide, "Dear God, I apologised to James Potter." Artis and Parisa looked at her as if she needed a straight-jacket,

"And that's terrible because…?" Parisa asked curiously,

"Because he's James Potter, and he makes my life and other's lives hell. He doesn't deserve a sorry." She said, fully aware that she sounded like a petulant 5 year old who had just discovered that the world didn't revolve around her, but ignoring that thought anyway.

"Lily, you are sounding like a petulant 5 year old who has just discovered that the world does not revolve around them." Parisa said disapprovingly. Lily sank her head into her hands,

"I know. When it comes to James Potter though I just become slightly unreasonable."

Lily sighed and Artis muttered "_Slightly_?" under her breath. The girls sat in silence for a while longer and Lily restarted her Transfiguration essay. She was half way through describing the correct wand movement for transfiguring a cactus into a badger when she suddenly smiled deeply, for a moment looking wonderfully and totally content.

"What?" Artis asked moodily, in her mind no-one who was in the middle of a transfiguration essay should look that happy until it was marked and handed back with an 'O' grade. At least.

"I'm on the Gryffindor Quidditch team." Lily sighed happily again and closed her eyes, day-dreaming for a moment about going onto the pitch after their final match of the season and the shouts of the commentator,

"Gryffindor have won the Quidditch Cup!"

In her perfect daydream she was holding the cup up and waving to an adoring crowd, she was hugging Frank Longbottom, Tristan Meadows, Helena Wan and the rest of the team excitedly, Professor McGonagall was congratulating her warmly and Dumbledore was there, eyes twinkling and secretly pleased Gryffindor had won.

Best of all James Potter was no where to be seen.

* * *

"_It's tourist season, so why can't I shoot them?" _

* * *

Sirius was starting to get a bit worried about James' despondency and was searching for a way to lighten his friend's mood. He suddenly struck on an idea which had been floating around in the back of his mind for a few days but before he could get it out James suddenly spoke,

"She doesn't even know me." He said in mild disbelief,

"James, mate, you're going to be slightly clearer on who you're talking about." Sirius said with a frown, he had just been about to lift this mood, and with a particularly excellent plan he would like to add, and now they seemed stuck with it until James had at least talked this out.

"Evans. Who else?" Remus and Sirius did have to admit he had a point, Peter merely looked enlightened. "She thinks she's better than me and she doesn't even know me. She assumes just because I don't get on with a few idiots, and the fact that I loathe her evidently judgmental ways I actually want to make her cry for my own pleasure. Does she think I'm some sort of sadist?"

Remus opened his mouth to reply but James cut him off,

"On second thoughts I don't want to know what kind of biased, unfounded idea she has of me. She knows absolutely nothing about me, about my family or anything I have been through. I will not let her ruin Quidditch for me."

"Don't you mean 'I will not her ruin my life for me'?" Peter asked

"Is there a difference?" James asked dully.

"Anyway…" Sirius cut in quickly before the mood took on too serious a tone, actually it was already 10 degrees more serious than Sirius had had planned for this evening, some people had no consideration, "I have this great plan for Snivellus."

The rest of the room immediately became more alert, James looked at his friend curiously, Remus leaned forward, a slight frown on his face and Peter looked excited and eager to begin. Sirius knew there was a reason he loved these guys.

"Well, now I have your attention."

"I have to protest that I have all of my attention right here." James snorted and everyone in the room was pleased that he seemed to be back to his old self. Lily seemed to have a knack for making James darker and more brooding than he usually was, as if he had some huge secret which she constantly reminded him of when she was close. Remus thought this unlikely though, if he had barely managed to keep an earth-shattering secret from the three of them for two years he doubted James would have been able to hide one for five.

"Are you all listening? Remus!" Remus snapped his attention back to Sirius, "Right, well what we need is a devishly complex spell, hunting jackets, four water pistols AND" he paused impressively, "a fail proof plan to hold Severus Snape long enough to transfigure him into a turkey."

Three jaws dropped, and one grinned to reveal two rows of sparkly teeth, with abnormally sharp canines.

"Where on earth do you get these ideas?" Remus asked in shock,

"Well it all started when we were talking to Evans and Humphreys after the start of term prank, Evans said something about not being able to hold my own against Snivellus because he would have an advantage with wings and I said that he would be like a turkey waiting to be plucked. An idea was born."

"But why water pistols and hunting jackets?" Peter asked curiously, instantly Remus decided he didn't want to know the answer when he saw the look on Sirius face,

"Friends, we're going turkey hunting!"

James snorted, which set Peter off, which in turn made Remus forget that as a prefect he was meant to be above such things and Sirius decided to join in, although not so enthusiastically because he had already spent lots of time laughing to himself in private moments about this particular gem of a plan.

"You have got to be kidding me?" James finally gasped out,

Sirius adopted at petulant look, "Why on Earth would I joke about something as vital as turning Severus Snape into a turkey?"

"But chasing him with water pistols?" Remus laughed doubtfully,

"A touch of pure genius if I do say so myself."

"But how are we going to turn him into a turkey?" Peter asked in amazement.

"Well, we could wish upon a star," Sirius said sarcastically, "Or we could use this fantabulous spell I found earlier."

"Where did you get it?" Peter asked, instantly wary after several experiences of Sirius' 'reliable' sources falling through to spectacular effect. He did _not_ want to wake up with blonde pigtails and high heels again.

"The library." Sirius said defensively as his three 'friends' pretended to pass out with shock. "Shut up. Do you want to do it or not?"

"Sure." James said enthusiastically,

"But I'm not sure about the water pistols – it'll be kind of obvious that it was us if we start chasing him around with water pistols we just _happened_ to have in our pockets." Remus said slightly worriedly,

"How about we just ask the house elves for fresh turkey and send them after him."

"Peter, you are a genius!" James laughed,

"Hey, I thought up the plan in the first place." Sirius muttered mutinously but the others, now deeply embroiled in planning, didn't pay attention to him.

* * *

"_My Father had a profound influence on me, he was a lunatic." - Spike Milligan_

* * *

At breakfast the next morning four boys came bouncing down into the Great Hall, they each threw mischievous grins at the Slytherin table, but the occupants were so used to this that they would have been more scared if the Marauders walked past without looking at them.

Sirius walked slightly slower than the rest of his friends and appeared to keep running into something just in front of him, when he finally got to his seat he smirked at his friends and looked over at the Slytherin table, searching eagerly for his favourite greasy haired class mate. He noticed him talking to a blonde haired girl and nodded to James, "Right mate, he's all yours!"

James got up confidently and headed over to the Slytherin table. When he reached it he said loudly, "Black! How's my best friend's favourite little brother?" The black haired boy in front of him glared, but James apparently ignored the third year's rudeness, "So, your darling brother was wondering if your mother and father had anything to say to him."

Regulus Black looked disgusted at the reminder that Sirius was his brother, "As usual mother is pretending her _dear_ eldest son doesn't exist – he's a disgrace to the Noble House of Black."

"Oh, dear, Sirius will be disappointed, he had been hoping to organise a full family reunion with your cousin Andromeda and her husband."

"The day that _muggle_ and ex-relative of mine enter our house, will be the day the entire line of Black is dead!" Regulus said vehemently. James smirked and decided he had played with the child's mind enough – it was fun though, and so easy.

"I don't appreciate you suggesting my best friend has poor judgement in counting _your _Aunt a part of the family still." He waved his wand and Regulus found his hands on backwards. As Regulus yelled and Snape was distracted James poured some powder into Snape's goblet. Nobody noticed and so James smirked and turned back to Regulus, "Oh relax, Reggie, I'll turn them back." And with a wave of his wand Regulus Black had his hands the right way round again.

Heading back over to the Gryffindor table he grinned at Remus and Peter, as Sirius was ducking under the table apparently holding a conversation with himself. Nobody seemed to have noticed his little trip over to the Slytherin table and so his part of the prank done he sat back and waited for Snape to drink.

Sirius sat up and at that exact moment a loud "squawk" was heard around the Great Hall. Snape had taken a sip of his pumpkin juice and immediately turned into a rather large brown turkey. It still looked vaguely like Snape – his nose was decidedly hooked and his feathers looked slightly lank. Sirius shouted suddenly "That's the turkey I want!" and instantly four house elves appeared from under the Gryffindor table and ran at turkey Snape.

The turkey squawked again and flapping its wings took to the air, trying desperately to avoid the little house-elves who were shouting "Bad turkey! Bad turkey! Master Student wants a turkey. Come down bad turkey!" Their squeaky little voices ringing around the hall.

Looking around everyone seemed to be in hysterics, even some of the Slytherin table were laughing at their housemate's predicament. Sirius was giving short barks of laughter as he picked up the invisibility cloak from where it had fallen on the floor and handed it to James to put in his book-bag. The four Marauders were almost collapsing on the table, especially when one of the House Elves were lifted into the air as it finally managed to get hold of the Snape-turkey's leg. It was now screaming at the top of its little voice and finally the teachers appeared to notice the commotion.

"What on earth has happened to Mister Snape?" McGonagall asked in surprise as the turkey started to grow and his wings to thin. Suddenly his wings disappeared completely and were replaced with arms, he dropped from the sky and landed on top of the Hufflepuff table, still covered in feathers and with a beak, even though he was now back to his original shape.

"Mr. Snape, what on earth possessed you to turn yourself into a turkey?" Dumbledore asked, his eyes twinkling in amusement. The Slytherin tried to speak but all that came out was a loud "SQUAWK" renewing the fits of laughter going around the hall. James and Sirius were leaning against each other grasping their ribs and Peter was trying to drag Remus out from under the table between laughs. "Mr. Snape I suggest you go to the Hospital Wing." Dumbledore said kindly, and Snape, still covered in feathers exited the Great Hall, waving his arms as if trying to take off.

When the laughter finally calmed down, James wiped the tears from his eyes and glanced at his watch which read "5 minutes before you're late for class." He sighed and grabbed his three friends, "come on we better go before my watch starts shouting at me again."

Sirius laughed at the memory of James running down the corridor to Transfiguration while his watch was shouting at him "You're late, you're late, for a very important date, no time to say 'hello, goodbye' you're late, you're late, you're late!" Sometimes he thought James was scarred for life by that one experience.


	4. Letters and Secrets

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 4: Letters and Secrets

* * *

"_Life is terrible. Thank God." – Under Milk Wood, Dylan Thomas_

* * *

A month or so after turning Snape into a turkey the four Marauders sat around the breakfast table yet again. They were surprisingly quiet, which was causing several people to get distinctly nervous.

James was still recovering from Quidditch practise the night before. He had finally settled into a routine with regards to how he should treat Evans - he would treat her exactly the same as everyone else. Considering how simple this plan was, and how well it was working for the time being, it was a miracle that he hadn't let Remus suggest it sooner. Remus was also looking tired; he was still recovering from the full moon a few days previously. The last time, the Marauders hoped, that he'd have to transform without them being there – the potion needed for the final part of their animagus transformation was rapidly nearing completion.

Suddenly the post owls appeared and a deep brown coloured owl winged its way towards James while a white owl flew to Peter. Peter grinned in delight when he realised who had sent the owl. Sirius grinned too, "Excellent. Pete's mum has sent more sweets! My stocks were dwindling."

"I'm sure you were fading away." Peter muttered sarcastically and Remus snorted into his porridge,

"Oh dear, Remus what have I told you about your pig-like behaviour? Go to your room and mind your manners." Sirius said in a high pitched and supposedly motherly voice, the fact that Sirius had probably never heard a motherly voice in his life caused Peter to remember his earlier assumption that Sirius would be an excellent actor. Remus merely snorted uncontrollably again.

"So, what did she send you, Pete?" James asked; laying his letter to the side unopened. Peter rummaged through the packaging, finally withdrawing a box which he opened with relish, his face taking on a sheen of excitement,

"Let's see," He murmured, "2 boxes of Bertie Botts, some chocolate frogs, 4 bars of super size Honeydukes chocolate, and…a cockroach cluster?" Peter said the last bit in dismay and his friends wrinkled their noses. Sirius actually looked pale – he had never forgotten the time when James had dared him to eat thirty of the things, he had been in the hospital wing for a week afterwards.

"Maybe she thought it would a useful prank item?" Remus said, unconvinced. Peter drew the letter towards him,

_Dear Peter,_

_Here are a few sweets to tide you over until the next Hogsmeade weekend. Sorry about the Cockroach cluster – your Father said it would be amusing to see what you and your friends come up with for it, personally I just think he wants Sirius to eat it and end up in the hospital wing again (I don't think he has quite forgiven him for crashing his bike yet!)_

_Anyway best be off, hope your alright,_

_Hugs and Love_

_Mum._

Remus read the note over Peter's shoulder and Sirius grabbed it as soon as they'd done. "Sirius I told you not to mess with my Dad." Peter joked.

"I'm sure that Mr. Pettigrew had hours of your agony in mind when he picked out that sweet." Remus continued the joke with Peter. Sirius decided that he didn't want to stand for this teasing and so acquiring a bored air he merely said, nose in air

"As if your father could hurt one of the famous, noble Blacks."

Remus snorted again and decided that it must be quite as much of a bad habit as raising your eyebrows continuously, "Sirius, you're starting to sound uncannily like a male version of your mother."

Peter laughed and Sirius grinned and began to impersonate his mother, "You are a member of the Pure and Noble House of Black, GYRFFINDOR? GRYFFINDOR? No son of mine is sorted into _that_ house, mixing with all those _impure _families!" Sirius sighed in a long-suffering but good natured way, "I really do sound like The Dominatrix don't I?"

Peter groaned "What did I say about calling her The Dominatrix? It brings up horrible images I think I could definitely live without." Remus and Sirius laughed before turning to James,

"You're being very quiet Jamie, old boy." Sirius said loudly,

"What did you get in the post then? Adoring fan mail from the Hufflepuffs?" Remus joked,

"Not today," James cracked a sardonic smile, "Just a letter from my grandfather. You know the drill," he said in monotone "Remember you are a Potter, a member of one of the oldest bloodlines around. I hear that you were beaten in Charms – Potter's come top in anything, you better work harder…and so on and so on." James sighed and took one of Peter's offered Bertie Botts,

"I think I'd rather get my parcel."

James grinned wanly, "_I'd_ rather get your parcel."

"It doesn't sound too bad though, at least it isn't a Tuesday." Sirius grinned, trying to cheer his best friend up, letters from his Grandfather always had a bit of a dampening effect on James. Sirius knew why of course, but the others didn't. He was immensely pleased when Remus grinned and easily lifted the tension saying,

"Yes, then as well as a depressing letter from your Grandfather, Sirius would have his weekly howler from his mother."

James grinned slightly, "Sounds fun."

"Why don't you get on with your family exactly James?" Peter asked curiously, and Peter managed to turn the tension into something thick and sticky around them once more, "They always seem really nice to me when I visit."

"Oh, yes, they're perfectly _nice_." James said sarcastically, "You've never met my overbearing Grandfather though."

"It could be worse though," Remus said encouragingly, "I mean at least he doesn't send you a howler every week saying you're a disgrace." Remus expected Sirius to grin at the reference to his mother's letters like he usually did but instead he was looking anxiously at James who had his eyes on his plate. Sirius obviously noticed Remus looking curiously between him and James, so he said rambunctiously

"Excellent point Remus! Pay attention James, you are going to look on the bright side - you could have parents as bad as mine! You could have to turn into a wolf in a particularly painful way once a month! You could have a smelly, jelly shaped amoeba animagus form" James grinned and looked up, apparently snapped out of his melancholy,

"I have an idea for what to do with that Cockroach Cluster." He said excitedly and Peter banged his hand on his forehead,

"SO that's why you were looking so serious! And there was us getting all worried about your family life."

James grinned evilly, "So do you want to hear or not?" They all leaned in quickly, Remus still looking at James slightly oddly.

* * *

"_Sometimes I think about having you executed, just to see the expression on your face." – Blackadder 2_

* * *

20 minutes later the four boys walked out of the Great Hall laughing and kidding around. Lily sighed, another morning and no taunting from Potter, what a relief. She leaned over to where the four boys had previously been sitting and grabbed a jug of pumpkin juice rather unceremoniously. When she drew her arm back towards her she felt herself knock something on the floor.

Sighing and pouring herself some pumpkin juice Lily peered under the table and saw a piece of parchment under Remus Lupin's now unoccupied seat. She put down the jug before her cup completely overflowed and stretched under the table to pick up the parchment.

It was in a small white envelope and had a red wax seal on the back, and Lily, unwilling to read the private letter of one of her housemates turned over the envelope in the hope that there would be a name on the front. She read the neat italic writing and groaned, _Mr. J. Potter._

It was typical really, the person who she wanted to see least in the world and now she had to purposefully seek him out.

Great.

An idea dawned on her and she turned casually to Parisa and Artis who were talking in loud voices about the upcoming Quidditch match.

"Parisa" she said sweetly "Artis," she continued as her two friends turned around to look at her, "You know you two are really great friends…"

Artis furrowed her brow at her and Parisa narrowed her eyes. "What do you want Lily?"

"Oh, nothing, whatever gave you that idea?" Lily said innocently, trying to smile brightly. Artis and Parisa looked at her shrewdly, and Lily sighed, "_Fine_, will either of you two please give this to Potter?" She grimaced slightly – there had definitely not been enough compliments before she said that.

"Oh, and why can't you give it to _James_." Parisa asked in interest,

"Well, um, you see," Lily began, before stuttering to a halt. She considered reeling off the speech she had once written about all the reasons why she hated James Potter and why she wanted to see him as much as she wanted to have deep and meaningful conversation with the Giant Squid, but decided that with class in 10 minutes there really wasn't time, so she just resorted to pleading, "Please, please," Here she grabbed Artis' arm and looked at her two friends appealingly, hoping to touch their compassionate sides, "I'll love you forever,"

"Sorry Lily, but if you can't think of a better reason than that it's a definite NO." Artis grinned.

Lily scowled, she should have known that those two 'friends' of hers would have a compassion by-pass on today of all days. She tried for a different tactic, "Fine, you'll just have to visit miserable me in Azkaban," Parisa's eyebrows shot up, "And you can rest assured that I will lay the blame solely on you two when I am sent there for murdering Potter in cold blood."

"Well, when you put it that way," Lily smiled expectantly at her friends, thinking how great they were,

"No."

"No?" she echoed in disbelief. "Do you want your best friend in prison? Do you want Potter dead?"

"No, I just don't believe you're capable of murder in cold blood."

"Plus, you might get off, I heard a woman got away with killing her husband after it turned out she was on her period." Parisa said, her eyes glittering in amusement at Lily's face.

"There are several problems with both of you, number 1: Are you suggesting Potter and I are married? Because if you are…"

"Number 2?" Parisa interrupted sweetly,

"Number 2: It isn't that time of month, and number 3: Why am I best friends with you if I can't even get you to deliver a letter? Sodding Potter, it's not like it would be difficult for you two to give it to him. Between us we have every class with him, but _no_ you have to laugh at my misfortune. Stupid letter, I can't believe I picked up." Lily smiled slowly, a satisfied expression appearing on her face "Got it."

"What?" Parisa asked suspiciously,

"I'm going to leave it here." Lily replied easily,

"No you are not." Artis said in an affronted manner,

"Why can't I?" She asked petulantly,

"Because… don't you want to know what someone's writing to James about?"

"No. It's probably some fan-mail or something equally as horrendous, I don't want to know."

"It could be letters requesting his immediate removal from the school." Artis said cajolingly, to be quite honest she was fascinated by the idea of what was in the letter; she had seen the stony look on James' face as he read it.

"I can dream." Lily replied sarcastically, "But no, I really don't want to know."

"Well, just give the damn letter to Potter then because to be perfectly honest not everyone is that un-nosy and I doubt even you would wish personal information about Potter being found out by some prying Slytherin." Parisa said, starting to get angry,

"Fine. I'll just… give it to Remus." Lily said sulkily, as she gathered her books for the day and stood up,

"Excellent plan, why didn't you think of it sooner?" Artis said brightly, also gathering her things. Lily glared at her but she was roundly ignored, there wasn't really anything that threatening about Lily's glares unless you did something bad, very bad. Or, of course, if you were James Potter. Or occasionally if you were Sirius Black, Bellatrix Black, Regulus Black or Severus Snape. Artis thought that being on Lily's list of extreme dislike was probably the only thing they all had in common.

* * *

"_The truth that makes men free is for the most part the truth which men prefer not to hear." - Herbert Agar_

* * *

Half way through the last lesson of the day, which just happened to be charms, Sirius Black felt something collide with the side of his head. Glancing up see if anyone had noticed he spotted Remus pointing at the crunched up ball frantically and signifying that he shouldn't tell anyone. Sirius unrolled it carefully but lazily – just to annoy Remus – and then surreptitiously read the carefully penned note.

_I need to talk to you after class. It's about James – I have a feeling you know something I don't. Do not tell anyone, especially James, and meet me in the library (I know you hate it but what's the likelihood of James coming in there?) _

Sirius raised his eyebrows and swallowed, Remus had that glint in his eye that meant he had caught hold of something and was not letting it go, and last time Sirius had seen that look Peter had woken up a week later with a note by his bed threatening that he would be killed in particularly cruel and scarily well-thought out ways if he_ ever_ touched one of Remus' Chocolate Frog Cards again. Somehow Sirius thought this could be worse, fond as Remus was of Chocolate Frog Cards he probably cared more about James and whatever he wanted to talk about. It didn't help his nerves (he wouldn't have admitted they were nerves though if you held him at gun point and starved him for 6 days) that he had a fairly good idea what Remus might be thinking about – it would not be pretty. So Sirius swallowed again and penned his reply:

**Do we have to go to the library Remus? Can't we use the Prefect's bathroom instead if it's _that_ important that James doesn't find out? Anywhere but the library…PLEASE!**

He tossed it back to Remus who didn't look happy when he was also hit in the side of the head by the paper ball; Sirius stuck out his tongue and mouthed 'pay back.'

"Sirius Black!" Flitwick shouted in his squeaky voice, almost toppling off his chair, "No talking, 5 points from Gryffindor." Sirius didn't look too put out and muttered to James,

"Shame it couldn't have been a detention, I think I'm getting withdrawals from being so good." James snickered.

"You… _good_…that's as likely as the Dominatrix opening a muggle orphanage!"

Sirius snorted and Flitwick turned around to glare at the pair so they faced front and took notes. Well they looked like they were taking notes, but James was in actual fact teaching Peter how to play hangman, a game he had learnt in muggle studies, and Sirius had charmed his quill to take notes of its own while he read Remus' reply.

_Way to go you clot, losing points already! Anyway, yes we can use the bathroom, though why you'd rather be in there than in the library I'd rather not know. By the way, what the hell is your quill doing?_

Sirius glanced up in alarm to see his quill jumping up and down into the ink well on the desk while glowing brightly. He looked at his page and saw a rather impressive picture of Professor Flitwick standing precariously on a pile of books. He snarled, muttering in annoyance. With that he grabbed his quill and shoved it in his book bag, just as Professor Flitwick called to the class,

"You may leave; I expect a 6 foot essay on the affects of wand cores on charms for next lesson."

Sirius grabbed his bag and turned to James and Peter, "See you later guys, Remus is dragging me to the library to see Madame Pince about our transfiguration project." He knew that neither would want to come with them, James because he was terribly scared that Madame Pince had a crush on him and wanted to tie him up in a backroom and use him as a sex-slave, and Peter just because he probably wanted to forget transfiguration existed.

"Okay, see you later." They said agreeably before walking off, still arguing over whether James was allowed to make up words and use them in hangman, James was protesting loudly that 'mobes' was a perfectly good expression for muddy robes when they turned out of sight.

Remus was one of the last to leave the classroom but Sirius wasn't exactly growling with impatience. But not wanting Remus to know this and think he was scared of their 'talk' when his friend finally arrived he asked "What took you so long?" in a rather terse voice,

"What are you complaining about? It's not like I was last out of the room, Lily was still in there talking to Flitwick." Remus replied calmly,

"Yes, but you're not Evans are you? And need I remind you that it was you who wanted to talk in the first place." Sirius' grin faded as he suddenly realised, again, what this talk would be probably be about, he decided to bite the bullet and ask Remus anyway, "So what do you want to talk about?"

"James' family." Remus said purposefully as they neared the prefect's bathroom,

"Oh." Sirius felt his heart sink slightly - this would definitely not be pretty, "I was kind of hoping that it would just be a discussion on the chances of James' animagus form actually being a dung beetle."

"I thought you said it would be an amoeba?" Remus said slightly warily – he didn't want Sirius to completely lose track of what they were meant to be talking about when they reached the bathroom,

"I don't think James the Amoeba has quite the same ring to it as James the Dung Beetle. What do you think?"

"I think you are very lucky that you have friends like Peter, James and I who stop people from noticing you need to be carted off to St. Mungo's Secure Mental Illness Ward."

Sirius just smirked, "I am eternally grateful, Remus." He said dutifully, he heard comments like that far too often.

After entering the Prefect's bathroom Sirius sat on the edge of the bath nervously while Remus lent against the towel rack. They closed the door between the portrait and the actual bathroom so that there was more privacy and then Remus looked at Sirius expectantly.

"This place is really great." Sirius said, faking an appreciative whistle, "No wonder perfect Prefects always say that the job has its perks!"

"You just won't drop the perfect thing will you?" Remus said in exasperation "Anyway stop trying to distract me, you've been in here hundreds of times before so don't pretend to get all awestruck on me." He continued, only slightly angrily. He had expected it after all.

"Fine. What did you want to know about James' family?" Remus raised his eyebrows.

"I want to know the truth Sirius. Not that Mr Potter is a great father and role model and that Mrs Potter is a wonderful cook. I don't want to hear that James' grandfather is well meaning, if slightly pushy and set in his ways. I want to know why James hates his Grandfather, looks down on his father and why he is uncomfortable around his mother." It was Sirius' turn to raise his eyebrows. How had Remus figured so much out without James ever saying anything? "I thought at the beginning of term that James couldn't have kept a secret for five years when I couldn't keep one from you guys for two, but obviously I was wrong."

Sirius looked at the floor uncertainly, "I can't tell you." He said at last.

"What?" Remus hissed,

"Don't make me Remus," Sirius begged, "If he hasn't told you…"

"He may not want me to know." Remus said nodding, "You know that's not true, Sirius. Don't kid yourself. He just don't want to appear weak, for some reason he thinks that if he told me and Peter…whatever it is…it would appear that he was asking for help, or seeking pity. But as I figured out he had a secret in the first place and think I know what it's about…"

Sirius looked at Remus dolefully,

"Just tell me, Sirius. I won't judge him."

"You wouldn't understand." Sirius said, un-expectantly angry.

"Oh and you can?" Remus said loudly, getting angry in turn. Then he saw the look in Sirius' eyes, "You can?" He said, beginning to understand. Sirius didn't say anything, "God, what do they do to him?" Remus' eyes were wide by this point and he was looking to Sirius for answers,

"Just for the record my parents have never laid a finger on me." Remus looked shocked but didn't say anything so Sirius continued. "Anyway he didn't tell me. I found out, when I was at his house over Christmas third year." He put his head in his hands, "It's his Grandfather, he...let's just say he doesn't share my parents' lack view that physical abuse would disgrace the family. It's more than that though…The great Granddaddy Potter tells James that he's worthless, that he's not good enough to be a Potter. He comments on his grades, he says that his friends are superficial and only with him for his name and money." He saw the protest in Remus' features and interrupted before he began, "No, James doesn't believe it. The time I found out though, he was, he was telling James that he wasn't a worthy Potter heir, he said that he wished," Sirius paused for a minute and his voice sounded a bit choked, "He wished I was the Potter heir, or that it was Severus Snape. Severus Snape! _Snivellus_ better than James Potter." Sirius said in disgust. Remus seemed shocked too,

"So that's why -"

"He hates Snape so much? One of the reasons."

"But his Parents, don't they know?" Remus asked trying to understand,

"That's why James hates his Dad, well, doesn't respect his Dad at least. His Dad knows, his Dad lived it. James can't forgive him for letting him go through it too, after it happened to him. I think he sometimes wonders if his Dad thinks he deserves it, if he thinks that because he had to go through it he thinks James has to as well."

"Do you think James' dad thinks that?" Remus asked slowly, almost afraid of the answer

Sirius snorted, "No, it is killing him to have James go through it, he's just too weak to leave the shadow of _his_ Dad. I think that's why he likes having me over so much, maybe he thinks that by saving me from my family he is making up for the fact that he can't save his son."

"And James' Mum?"

"She knows what's going on, and she tries to stop James from having to see his Grandfather or from staying too long alone with him. But she doesn't stop it completely because she's scared too. James' grandfather may be a great Auror and Politician but his whole family is scared of him."

There was a moment's pause.

"James' parents are really very nice though. They're just not capable of going against James' grandfather, and though he loves them I don't think James will forgive them for that."

There was another long silence and finally Remus said, "Merlin, and I'd always thought James had the perfect life."

"So had I. Before I found out."

* * *

"_In my experience no good deed goes un-litigated."_

* * *

Lily was not having an easy time, she had spent the better part of an hour trying to find Remus after leaving the Charms classroom, and though Peter had said that Sirius had told him they were headed for the library they most certainly had not been there when she had checked. Which was half an hour ago. And 5 minutes ago. Where the hell was he?

She wanted nothing more than to get rid of the stupid letter before she ended up having to admit to Artis and Parisa that she was desperate to read it and before Potter came looking for it and she was forced to say that she had it, and that indeed she had had it all day, had shared three classes with him _and_ hadn't given it to him.

Where the hell was Remus?

Suddenly she saw two familiar boys in front of her, one blonde the other dark. They seemed to be thinking deeply about something because both were uncharacteristically silent and neither had heard the three times she had called their names.

"LUPIN! BLACK!" She shouted again, exasperated. Finally the two turned around and Lily hurried over to them. They seemed shocked to see her, and even more shocked when she suddenly pulled out a small, slightly crumpled envelope. "Sorry Remus, I found this at breakfast and was wondering if you'd return it to Potter."

Remus and Sirius looked at the envelope in Lily's small hand, saw the unmistakable '_Mr. J. Potter._' And looked at each other warily, "What if Lily had read the letter?"

"Thanks Lily." Remus said smiling, though Lily didn't fail to miss the worried glance he shot at Sirius or the slightly searching look he gave Lily, "don't worry I haven't read it." She laughed and Black and Lupin nearly visibly sighed in relief.

Lily was starting to seriously regret not having read that letter.

"_So_," She said, "What's so important about this letter that I can't read it?"

"Nothing, it's just a letter from James' Grandfather." The horrified expression on Sirius' face revealed he had _not_ meant to say that. Lily decided to push for an advantage, her interest now piqued,

"And why did you tell Pettigrew that you were going to the library when you've obviously not been there?" Remus' and Sirius' mouths were dropping open in surprise. Lily tried to link the two facts she now had and decided to draw a conclusion and see if she was right, "So either you two were discussing the letter and didn't want Potter to know" The slight looks of relief made Lily realise she had guessed wrong and she took a deep breath "_or _you were discussing Potter's grandfather as a result of something the letter made you realise. Probably something you realised Remus, and Black already knew."

The fact that Sirius' eyes were almost popping out of his head and Remus' was looking seriously nervous left Lily feeling quite amused. They had just told her that her guesses were at least mildly right by their reactions, but she didn't think a letter from Potter's grandfather – or any discussion that could spring from it – would be that important, because, although Potter's grandfather was undoubtedly an excellent politician, he didn't really hold that much interest for her, maybe if he'd done something interesting like inventing the snitch though…but that was beside the point.

"Right well, thanks for giving us the letter, Lily." Remus said, "Are you going back to the common room?"

"No, I have to go to the library. See you later." She smiled cheerily and walked away slowly. But she still heard, Black's urgent, "Does she know?" and Remus' quick reply, "I don't think so, she was probably guessing." Before they were out of earshot.

Oh yes, Lily definitely wanted to know what was going on.


	5. “Hetay Otionpay is eadyray”

**Fatal Incompatibility.**

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 5: "Hetay otionpay is eadyray"

* * *

"_I can even work out your personality problems to 10 decimal places if it will help." - Douglas Adams._

* * *

Remus woke suddenly, covered in a cold sweat and breathing heavily. He shook his head and tried to remove the images plastered on the insides of his eyelids. Ever since Sirius had told him about James two days ago Remus kept waking in the middle of the night, shaking and with the images he had seen of James, normally so strong, being chased by some as yet unseen force. Vowing again never to close his eyes lest he had to relive that dream he suddenly heard a muffled grunt,

"Remus?" A sleepy voice came from over by Peter's bed. "What is it?"

"What's happening?" Sirius slurred sleepily. Remus jumped in horror, he did not want to have to explain to his friends why he was sleeping badly, Sirius had made it clear not to mention what they had talked about,

"Um, nothing, bad dream. Go back to sleep guys."

"If you say so," Peter said drowsily, Sirius merely snored loudly.

Remus picked up his duvet and trudged down to the common room with his book. He was surprised to see light flickering from the bottom of the stairs as he walked over to the chairs right in front of the fire; he saw it was still going pretty strongly. A house elf must have been in.

"Remus?" A surprised voice said.

"Lily?" He said in shock, "What are you doing awake?"

"I'm trying out this insomniac thing; I think there might be something in it." Remus raised his eyebrows at her, "Fine. I have some Ancient Runes homework I need doing for tomorrow. How about you?"

"Bad dream."

"Awe, were big bad monsters coming to fwighten widdle Remus?" Lily teased in a mock childish voice. Remus didn't find this funny but he tried to laugh it off, hoping that by turning his dream into something amusing it would stop further ones from happening. Much like when you imagined your worst fear as something ridiculous when banishing Boggarts. He said the first thing that came into his head,

"Actually Sirius almost kissed James."

"I never would have guessed they swung that way, but what was your nightmare about." Remus glared at her, secretly wondering if his nightmares had damaged his brain – where had that come from?

"They don't 'swing that way', that _was_ my nightmare." He decided to continue with this not seeing a way out.

Remus scowled as Lily tried to stifle her giggles, "And to think I thought you were the most normal of the Marauder's. Dreaming about Potter kissing Black?"

"_Almost_ kissing." He replied tersely, suddenly regretting getting out of bed at all

"Fine, _almost _kissing!" She rolled her eyes at him "So what happened in the rest of your dream?"

Remus thought, trying to think of something and as he yawned he settled for something near the truth, too tired to be original "I was trying to tell James that I knew" He paused slightly, "Something."

"Obviously that you knew he batted for the other side," Lily joked, although she privately noted the pause "Continue."

"And then he started to run away," Suddenly he realised that this was getting slightly too close to home and deciding to lighten it up, "he then shouted at Sirius that he didn't have to tell me just because he liked me." Remus' face took on a disgusted impression. WHAT THE HELL?

"Perhaps it was your subconscious interpreting hidden longings for a certain Mr. Black." Lily joked.

Remus looked traumatised, "Hidden longings?" He sputtered, "Do you want to hear the rest of the dream or not?" Lily nodded mutely, trying to stifle giggles. "Fine, stop trying to damage my mental well being." He took a deep breathe to collect himself, it appeared to have been damaged enough already, "Then Sirius said that he didn't like me more, but that he liked James. James said he liked Sirius and then," He winced knowing suddenly where this was going and not wanting to say it again. You would think that after five years of being a Marauder he could lie better, "They were almost, you know."

"Agh, well when one dreams about one's best friends discovering a burning passion for each other it obviously predicts a D in Divination."

"Don't get smart with me Lily - it's too late at night…or early in the morning. Whatever."

"Then what happened?"

"I woke up."

"Thank goodness, I'm surprised you can still talk after seeing that horrifying spectacle." Remus smiled at her and secretly agreed, leaning back against the pillows on the armchair he watched Lily scribbling some more on her Ancient Runes assignment. After a while the fire started to die down and Remus' eyes started to flicker closed, "Remus?"

"Hmm?"

"What were you trying to tell Potter?"

"In my dream?" He slurred sleepily, "Just that I knew something about his family." He yawned wildly, "Night Lily."

"Night."

Lily watched the sandy haired boy walk back up to his dorm with amusement before turning back to the parchment before her; she looked at the notes of what she had found out so far. She wondered for a moment why she was going through so much trouble to find out something she obviously wasn't meant to know, and something about Potter no less. However, being incurably curious she dismissed it as nosiness and pushed any guilt to the back of her mind. She sighed as she re-read what she'd written and decided that she definitely needed more information before figuring out what was going on. She'd ask Parisa tomorrow, her family was pure-blooded and relatively close to the Potters, maybe she'd know something?

Getting up from her comfortable position she stretched her arms above her head and gathered the papers from the low table. Smiling as she remembered what Remus had told her of his dream she headed back up to her dorm, yawning and blinking tiredly she fell into bed, hoping to catch several hours sleep before her early-rising dorm mates attacked her until she got out of bed in the morning.

* * *

"_This is a free country madam, we have the right to share your privacy in a public place" - Peter Ustinov_

* * *

The next morning Lily was typically groggy and unbelievably thankful that today was a Saturday and she could sleep in. Suddenly somebody bounced onto her bed and she shrieked as her covers were whipped off, Lily opened her eyes slightly to see the grinning forms of Parisa and Artis. "Sod off."

"Oh, that's not very nice Lils!" Parisa said pretending to be hurt, just as Artis said,

"It's your own fault you're tired, staying up late to do whatever work you were doing."

"I wasn't working!" She said grumpily, swinging herself upright and heading towards the bathroom.

"Then what were you doing?" Parisa said excitedly, that girl definitely was too happy for it to be so early in the morning, "And I am not too happy in the mornings, it's almost 11 o'clock."

"I didn't say anything" came the muffled retort from the bathroom,

"You were thinking it." Artis and Parisa laughed when they heard a disgruntled 'humph' from the bathroom before the shower turned on.

"So what were you doing?"

"Trying to figure something out."

"Oh, yes. Could you be any vaguer?" There was no reply and they listened to the sound of running water for a while in the bathroom before shrugging at each other and waiting for their friend to appear. About 15 minutes later they heard the sound of the shower stopping and watched Lily coming out of the bathroom, wringing her hair and re-wrapping the big white towel around her body.

"So what are we doing today?" She asked, slightly more awake. "And more importantly," She added as her stomach rumbled, "When are we going to eat?"

"We'll head down to the kitchens as soon as you're dressed Lils." Parisa said smiling, "Well, actually you and I will, Artis has a date!" Artis blushed red and scowled embarrassedly at Parisa

"Oh, yes? With who?" Lily asked with interest.

"Remus." She said quietly, her cheeks completely beet red. Lily suddenly remembered her encounter with Remus last night and his 'nightmare.' She tried to stifle her giggles,

"Congratulations, Artis. Didn't you like him for ages?"

"Yeah, well…" she muttered, "I'd best be going. Do I look ok?"

"Fabulous." Came the unanimous reply. The two remaining friends waited until she had left the room before bursting into hysterical laughter, "Did you see the look on her face?" Parisa giggled,

"Just wait until I tell you about the nightmare Remus had last night. Then you'll know what I'm laughing about!" Lily gasped.

"Tell meee…" Parisa whined,

"On the way to the kitchens, I'm starving!"

The two girls headed down to the portrait hole and were soon on the way to the kitchens, giggling madly, "And then" sniggered Lily, "I suggested that he was obviously hiding feelings for Black. You should have seen the traumatised look on his face! And when he told me that Black and Potter almost kissed…I said he'd obviously get a D in divination. Because I think if it turned out Black_ and _Potter were both gay-"

"There would be a case of mass hysteria from most of the girls in the school?"

"I was actually going to say it seems quite improbable statistically that ½ of the Gryffindor 5th year males are that way inclined, but I guess yours works." Parisa shoved her and laughed,

"You're dreadful."

The girls stopped their banter as they stood in front of the portrait of a basketful of fruit. Parisa tickled the pear and soon the two were in the kitchens. Several house elves ran up to them, bowing low. "How can we help misses?"

"I'd like some chocolate brownies, and a cup of black Earl Grey tea." Lily said quickly, she looked at Parisa who still looked too awake in her opinion "A large mug of Earl Grey tea."

"I'd like some chocolate cookies and some tea as well please – but with milk and two sugars." Parisa said and scowled at Lily as she winced, "What, just because we don't all like to drink some extra-strength boiling drink…"

Lily laughed and she and Parisa sat at the long table which was an exact replica of the Gryffindor table above them. Biting into a chocolate brownie Lily sighed with contentment before looking over at Parisa, who was nursing her mug of tea. "Your family must have known Potter's and Black's families for ever." She said finally,

"What? Oh yeah, and Remus' too – well his Dad's side considering his mum's a muggle, now that was quite the scandal." Ordinarily Lily would have been quite interested in hearing the whole story, but she already had something to focus on and so couldn't really care less how much of a scandal Remus' parents' wedding had caused, "But then my family doesn't really get on with the Blacks. Something to do with a disintegration of an engagement or something about 20 generations ago." Lily didn't care about this either and so decided to try and edge more towards Potter's family to see if she could find anything out.

"But you and Potter must have known each other since you were born. Poor you." Parisa grimaced at her,

"He's actually not too bad a guy, Lily. But, whatever, we're not having this argument again. I think I first met him when we were 5, he pulled my pigtails. Lovely child." She took a sip of tea, reminiscing. "I see his family quite often; they're over at least twice in the holidays. Mr and Mrs Potter are very nice; Mrs Potter's a great cook. James' grandfather's a bit creepy, a bit old fashioned really."

"Into all this pureblood stuff like the Blacks?" Lily asked curiously,

"No, I don't think he minds muggleborns, but he does have high expectations of what it is to be a Potter I guess. Anyway, I don't know. I've only met him once or twice. James doesn't like him much."

"Poor Potter probably can't cope with someone making him work." Lily said spitefully.

"James does work Lily." Parisa said in a mildly disapproving voice.

"Sure. Just not on school things – he spends all his time preparing pranks and hexing innocent bystanders."

"He…oh, whatever Lily. Why are we talking about Potter _now_? We only have an hour until your Quidditch practise and I want to know all about this Ravenclaw you saw last week -"

* * *

"_Friendship is the perfection of love, and superior to love; it is love purified, exalted, proved by experience and a consent of minds." - Samuel Richardson_

* * *

That evening as James walked in, dripping wet from Quidditch practise, Sirius pounced on him. "Jamsiepoo!" He yelled, "Just the person I've been looking for!"

"Alright, Sirius." James said, pushing his friend off as half the common room started sniggering at 'Jamsiepoo.' "Why were you looking for me?" he asked, hastily steering Sirius up to the boy's dormitories as Evans was glaring at him furiously. May be he had let the practise go on too long.

"Hetay Otionpay is eadyray" Sirius muttered,

"What?" James asked, wondering if his friend had finally snapped and eaten the 150 sugar quills hiding under his bed.

"The potion is ready. Honestly James, can't even figure out a simple code."

"Maybe if the code was recognisable…what!"

"The. Potion. Is. Ready." Sirius said slowly, as if talking to a small child.

"Wow. Does Remus know? Does Peter? Sirius, we're going to find out what our animagus forms are!" Now in the boy's dorm James danced around the room happily. "I bet you're an earwig." He said to Sirius, who was less than amused.

"Well that's ok because you're going to be a dung beetle."

"Earwig."

"Dung beetle."

"Earwig."

"Dung beetle.

"Earwig."

"Candy floss."

"Ear…what?" James asked in confusion – seriously his best friend could be _weird_ sometimes.

"Just ignore him Prongs, I checked – at least half of the sugar quills have gone." Remus said walking in and lying back on his bed. "What were you so excited about anyway?"

Sirius opened his mouth to repeat his "Hetay Otionpay is eadyray", certain that Remus at least would understand, but James interrupted,

"Don't even say it Sirius, no matter what you say it won't make sense." Sirius looked put out and pouted a little, James ignored him and turned excitedly to Remus, "The potion's ready!"

Remus looked stunned.

He studied the ceiling with his mouth hanging open, apparently deep in thought,

"Um…say something Remus." James said, looking worriedly at Remus.

"Gosh." Remus almost whispered

"Say something that means something Remus." Sirius clarified as James continued to look at Remus' slack face.

"Sorry. I just. I guess." He breathed out rather forcefully as Sirius and James shared glances, swinging his legs around he sat on the edge of his bed. "I just never really thought you'd do it, you know? That you'd do it for me. You're doing something illegal. Oh, God I'm making you do something illegal!" Remus stared at them wild eyed.

James snorted, "I'd hardly say that you're making us."

"I think you're subconsciously looking for a way out. You're too used to believing otherwise to accept that people want you to know they care for you, and would do anything for you." Sirius paused and the three shared a moment of silent understanding that occasionally crops up when its least expected. "Plus," Sirius added finally, lightening the mood, "I really want to see James as a dung beetle."

At that moment Peter walked in and Remus, smiling a larger smile than even when he had finally gotten Artis Humphreys to go out with him, whirled Peter around, laughing at the great day he'd had and shouting at the top of his lungs, so Sirius surreptitiously put a silencing charm on the door, "the potion's ready. It's ready. James is a dung beetle, Sirius is an earwig, and Peter's an elephant!"

The three boys pretended to be angry at Remus but they all grinned, although Peter looked a little scared as Remus continued to spin him around the room.

Finally Remus calmed down, he let go of Peter and beamed happily around the room, "I have the best friends."

"We know. We know." Sirius said, bowing to a non-existent audience. Peter cuffed him around the head. Sirius started to pretend to be hurt but James interrupted,

"So do you actually want to take the potion or not?"

* * *

"_For sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain."_

* * *

Four boys looked nervously around at each other as they sat around a slightly smoking cauldron.

"Are you sure it's done?" Murmured Sirius,

"Yeah." replied James as he checked the book for the 10th time.

"So, what do we do?" Peter asked, somehow the boys felt it was only right to talk in awe-filled whispers. This was, after all, the culmination of two years hard work in an endeavour which could just help their friend with one of the most painful things they thought anyone could ever experience. They knew that this potion showed a level of friendship which was permanent, one they could always rely on.

"We have to drink a whole cupful; it works in the same way as a Polyjuice Potion. So we don't need any spells or anything."

None of them mentioned what could happen if it went wrong. The potion was a very much more complicated version of a Polyjuice Potion, and its affects were far more permanent if it went wrong. The book Sirius had found in his library at home had pages and pages of images of half men half animals; men half turned inside out; a women who had a beak growing from her cheek and bloodied wings appearing from deep cuts in her back.

Carefully James poured three cupfuls of the juice, and Remus watched anxiously as his three best friends contemplated the foul looking liquid in front of them. He too was trying to ignore what the risk was, and he hoped dearly that nothing would happen, because he didn't think he could cope with the guilt that his friends' mutilation, or death, was his fault.

"Stop taking yourself on a guilt trip Remus. We'll be fine." James said soothingly, frowning at Remus from over his glasses.

As one, James, Sirius and Peter clapped their glasses together, careful not to spill any of the potion, and Peter shouted, "for Remus!"

Together they drank the stinking grey liquid and winced as the foul taste hit their taste buds.

One by one their glasses fell to the floor and smashed and Remus looked on in horror as his three friends in the entire world collapsed to the floor.

* * *

"_Nothing makes us so lonely as our secrets." - Paul Tournier_

* * *

James felt his head spinning and heard a muffled thump, like someone hitting the ground. Images span inside his head, a never-ending torrent of memories: his first day at Hogwarts, the day they finally realised that Remus was a werewolf, his Grandfather looming over him, his first Quidditch game, and more and more images, scenes from his life which were so important to who he was he barely remembered them. He felt like his skin was moving; the individual cells moving away from each other, rebelling about being so close. He bit his lip as his bones seemed to move, stretching and slotting into positions they had definitely never been in before, positions in which they felt as comfortable as he normally did; as if he always had had four legs, always had had a heavy head, always had felt an immense kind of nobility, a way of holding his head high no matter what. Not only surviving, but living – and making sure those around him did too._

* * *

"Not everyone can be heroes; some people have to be those sitting on the sidewalks clapping as they go by."_

* * *

Peter too felt his head spin; he vaguely noticed two muffled thumps and a strange sense of coldness which seemed to be creeping through his left side. His vision had blurred and slowly he too was reliving the defining moments of his life, the moments which had made him who he was: his friendship with the Marauders, his father and mother, the day he discovered he was going to Hogwarts, his first job in a major prank, the memories swirled together – a giant collage of who Peter was, his strengths, his loves – for his parents, for his friends. There was of course the feeling that he was not good enough, that if he did not have his friends he would be less than nothing, and this brought bitterness – but this was who he was and Peter was not ashamed, because he knew deep down he'd do anything for any of them. Anything. With this last thought he felt his skin change, ripples of movement like across the surface of water. He cried out as his bones seemed to shrink slower than his skin, and sighed in relief as they resettled in a place which was definitely not normal but which he felt as if he'd been in forever, a place where he was who he was; and near the floor still trying to get over the shock of the giant wooden pole in front of him, Peter had never felt more happy.

* * *

"_Know thyself"_

* * *

Sirius did not hear any thumps as he fell to the floor. As his head hit the cold stone he had already become immersed in memory. Watching his older cousin Bellatrix punch a muggle child when he was 5, his first meeting with James, his sorting into Gryffindor, the weekly howlers. Everything jumbled together, until his mother became James, his house became Hogwarts, all the images merging yet remaining separate, individual. Sirius felt a sudden rush of love for those who had stopped him from becoming like his parents, like his entire family, consumed with hate for all kinds and for each other, only hidden by family pride. To those who had helped him become more, shown him that what you felt was wrong normally was, his loyalty would know no bounds. Feeling his skin crawl and his bones mould into new shapes Sirius felt a free abandon he couldn't achieve when he thought of his family. For the first time Sirius accepted who they were and who he was and he felt that, though in the morning their relationship would be the same as ever, in this moment Sirius felt more understanding of how they had made him who he was than he probably ever would again. The heady feeling made him want to…wag his tail in joy? Sirius felt at home, he was a carefree, fun-loving, loyal animal – he was him. 


	6. Of names and irritations

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 6: Of names and Irritations.

* * *

"_Common sense is not so common." – Voltaire_

* * *

A month had passed since the fateful day when the four Marauders, aged just 15, had become illegal animagi. Remus would never have to transform alone again.

Obviously, James had not become an earwig or an amoeba. Sirius had not become a dung beetle and Peter had not become an elephant. As a stag, dog, rat and wolf the four boys felt an incredible wealth of opportunities, the first of course being the introduction of nicknames.

Sirius had decided that their nicknames should be something to do with their animal forms, and yet for some reason his first ideas were always dismissed by the others.

"How about dog, rat, wolf and deer?" He suggested brightly,

"Sirius for the last time, I'm a stag!" James cried in exasperation, "and no, we still can not have those as nicknames, aren't they just _slightly_ obvious?" Sirius pouted as Remus and Peter nodded their heads vigorously in agreement.

"Fine. How about…snuffles, muffles, scuffles and ruffles?"

"What?" Muttered Peter weakly as Remus tried to figure out who was meant to be who.

"So am I muffles?" He asked incredulously,

"No, you're scuffles." Sirius said as if it should have been obvious.

"No, Sirius. Just no. I refuse to be in a gang called snuffles, muffles, scuffles and fluffles." James cried,

"Ruffles, not fluffles."

"Whatever, just no. We are men after all." James looked only slightly ridiculous saying this considering Remus had just charmed his hair into blonde pig-tails.

The four sat in silence for a bit after this, James played idly with his pigtails for a few minutes as he lay on his bed. As he twirled the blonde locks round his finger again he suddenly sat bolt upright, "I've got it!"

"I think you're meant to shout 'eureka!'" Remus deadpanned,

"If you don't shut up I'll transfigure your head somewhere the sun doesn't shine." James threatened. Remus sat quietly, hoping James didn't notice that he had grown blonde pigtails.

* * *

"_You can learn a lot about a person if you just take the time to inject them with sodium pentothal."_

* * *

"If those boys don't shut up I'm going to have to go work somewhere else." Parisa mumbled darkly from her place in the common room.

"Those boys are sitting right beside you, Atri." Sirius scowled,

"Oops, so they are." Parisa pretended to be upset, she wasn't very convincing.

"Good thing they are too, because if we weren't that would mean that Artis would be sitting in the lap of someone who's very definitely not her boyfriend." Remus said playfully,

"Remus, how did you guess my secret? I'm actually having an elicit affair with James!"

"But James is already having a steamy relationship with Professor McGonagall." Sirius grinned. Artis faked outrage and Parisa laughed despite herself,

"Why do you think I got the captain position?" James said absentmindedly over the top of 'Quidditch through the ages.'

"I need another way in which the stars are going to help me this week." Lily frowned, looking at the divination chart she was huddled over,

"I've already got I'm going to make a new friend, I'm going to learn French and Arabic, I'm also going to be invited to a party…" Peter listed, also looking at his chart,

"How about: the stars will help all your homework disappear?" Sirius grinned.

"How will that work then?" Lily asked, almost afraid of the answer. Sirius grabbed her chart and with a tap of his wand it vanished. "That was not funny Black. I spent hours on it." Lily shrieked,

"But the Sirius star did make it disappear, you can say your forecast came true." Sirius grinned innocently,

"Black," Lily growled through gritted teeth, "Give it back."

"Padfoot, give it back." Everyone was surprised to hear James' voice from over the top of his book. No one had realised he'd been listening, and no one had thought for a second he'd stick up for Lily.

"Sure." Sirius said, surprised. With a wave of his wand he handed Lily back her star chart.

"You can say the stars helped you find something that was missing, Evans." James informed Lily before turning back to his book.

Everyone looked at him with raised eyebrows but James didn't seem to notice, he was muttering something about Wronskei Feints and double teaming.

Lily mumbled a "thank you" to Black and scribbled some more on the star chart. The silence stretched for a moment until Peter pushed his work away and said loudly,

"Done! Thank the stars." Lily rolled up her star chart too with satisfaction. Leaning back against her seat she tried to pop the bones in her spine back into place while looking around the little group; Artis and Remus were cuddling and whispering, Parisa, Sirius and Peter were playing exploding snap and James was still reading. After sitting quietly for a while Lily suddenly asked a question,

"Don't you guys ever work?" She'd spent a while wracking her brains for the last time she remembered seeing them do homework. Well she'd seen Remus do homework with Artis in the library – although Lily thought that they actually did very little proper work when they were together; she'd obviously seen Peter work just a moment ago because they'd done their divination together. Mostly her comment was aimed at Black and Potter.

Sirius yelled in triumph as the pack exploded, leaving him with the most cards before turning to Lily.

"Hmm, an interesting question." Sirius mused, stroking his chin in mock thoughtfulness,

"We do work!" Peter grinned,

"Well, I know _you_ do." Lily conceded, "And Artis and Remus do go to the library to 'study'an awful lot." Both parties had the grace to blush,

"So really by guys you mean me and James?" Sirius asked in amusement. Lily refused to blush,

"Yes. I suppose so."

"We don't need to work. We have little homework pixies to do it for us!" Sirius grinned madly,

Lily shook her head. "Whatever you say Black, I'm surprised you don't fail."

"Just because you don't see us study doesn't mean we don't."

"Do you?" Lily said raising her eyebrows,

"Yes." Sirius said, "I study in mysterious ways, in mysterious places and with mysterious people."

"By that he means in detention," Peter joked.

"Well yeah, but still – does that answer your question?"

"Yeah." Lily grinned, "Pass me a chocolate frog please Black."

_

* * *

Friends are those who bail you out of jail. BEST friends are those that are sitting next to you saying, 'Damn! That was fun!'"_

* * *

The following morning was a Tuesday, and therefore time for Sirius' weekly howler. The Marauder's had tried several ways to get rid of them over the years, erecting soundproof boxes, incinerating the letter, bribing the owls to deliver it to a Sirius Black who apparently lived in Sweden, but the letters still arrived and went off at exactly 8:30 every Tuesday morning.

Therefore when Sirius Black left the great hall at 8:25 nobody was surprised, in fact several people removed ear plugs.

However, when at 9:25 Sirius still had not been seen by anyone in the entire school, and no loud explosions or shrieks had been heard, the Marauders and indeed some of the teachers were starting to look rather nervous. Most of the school did not take Sirius' howlers from home seriously, believing them to be some on going prank and even a Hogwarts tradition; the Marauders knew better and now wondered where on earth Sirius had gotten to, especially as he was missing his favourite class.

A rolled up ball hit Peter on the head and quickly the boy grabbed it and smoothed the parchment on to his desk, hoping that Professor Vector hadn't noticed.

_Any ideas where Padfoot is?_

_Moony_

Peter wrote a reply quickly and directed the letter over to James with his wand. He in turn unfolded the letter and read it swiftly

**No, any ideas Prongs?**

**Wormtail,**

James had no idea either. He'd spent most of the lesson glancing at the door and hoping that Sirius would burst in, apologise for being late and say that he had been held up because he'd blown up the transfiguration classroom again. The parchment was chucked back to Remus

_**None. Do you reckon there could have been something nasty in his letter?**_

_**Prongs**_

_I don't know. _

**We should check after this class.**

_**We should be checking now. **_

_There's only 5 minutes left. Calm down Prongs, else Vector will give you a detention and then we won't be able to search for Padfoot._

Somehow the class finally managed to drag to an end, and James was the first out of his seat and into the hall. He sprinted towards Gryffindor tower and burst through the Fat Lady into the common room; he tore upstairs and ripped the Marauder's map out of the special hidden compartment in his trunk which held all his most prized possessions. Racing back downstairs he met Remus and Peter and together they looked at the map, trying to spot the little dot which said Sirius Black.

Finally Peter pointed victoriously at the map, "It says he's right here."

The three looked around but couldn't see anyone, "Maybe he's under the cloak?" Remus wondered,

"Accio Invisibility cloak." James said, and instantly a shimmering cloak flew from the boys dormitories into his hands. James looked around the room once more before banishing the cloak back upstairs. He racked his brains for where his best friend could be. Looking helplessly at Remus and Peter he began to pace back and forth.

Suddenly they heard a loud _crack_ of something hitting the floor below the tower. James rushed to the window and looked outside. Not knowing what to expect, whether he would see his best friend lying in a blood soaked heap of broken bones and mangled robes or something else. Almost scared to look, he stared out of the window and couldn't see anything at all,

"It was just a tile." Remus said, with an obvious sigh of relief

"A tile!" Said Peter excitedly, "He's on the roof!"

James did not waste time, for the second time he whipped out his wand and practically screamed, "Accio broomstick!" He had no time to feel stupid, waiting with his arm in the air in the middle of the common room. He felt the wind whistling behind him and with one practised movement grabbed the broom and landed on top, zooming out of the open window and racing towards the roof leaving Remus and Peter behind. Neither was good with heights.

He landed with ease on the roof of Gryffindor tower and silently walked over to the huddled form of his best friend. He sat down beside him without saying a word, not quite touching shoulders with each other.

Together they stared into the distance until wordlessly Sirius handed James a letter, not a howler.

James took it carefully, trying to hide his surprise, and looking once more at his friend he opened the letter.

_Sirius,_

James only barely paused to wonder that Sirius' mother had called her eldest son by his real name – something she had only occasionally done since he had been sorted into Gryffindor.

_Your father is ill. He does not want you to visit and shame him. _

James looked at the letter in wonder. The letter was not even signed; it was as if Madam Black did not want to write her relationship to Sirius down on paper.

"Nice letter from dear old Mum don't you think?" Sirius' sudden glum voice almost startled James off the side of the tower.

"Padfoot," James began, but Sirius cut across him,

"So father's ill. What a shame."

"Padfoot," James repeated,

"Doesn't want me to visit, understandable really."

"Sirius." James said, his voice filled with worry and this time Sirius' voice almost broke,

"Doesn't want to be visited by the blood traitor, the shame of his flesh, not even on his death bed."

"It doesn't say he is dying." James started

"Would _she_ write for any other reason?" Sirius snapped, "He does not want you to visit and shame him, lovely thing to say to your son really isn't it. _Mummy_ and _Daddy _really exceeded themselves this time." There was a loud crash and James realised that the falling roof tile hadn't been a fluke; Sirius had been tearing them off and throwing them as hard as he could at the floor.

"Don't do that Padfoot, you could hurt somebody."

"I don't care." Sirius said, getting clumsily to his feet, "Great pair of friends we are James, neither of us good enough for our families, one of us more than half way disowned and the other more than halfway beaten to a pulp." James flinched as always when he heard of his home life. "Don't flinch away from it James, this is who we are. Maybe I'll never be good enough, you know. Not for them." Here his voice grew more wistful, less infuriated, "I always figured we'd make up. That before they died I would do something that made them proud. Not going to happen now is it?"

"No." James said quietly, he looked at the tiles,

"Never was." Sirius mumbled just as softly,

"If you don't want to go back, you don't have to. You can stay with me over the summer."

"Can I think about it?"

"Sure."

The two boys looked over at the Quidditch pitch in the background and at the Great Lake, ripples dancing around the middle. They watched Argus Filch discover the remains of the tiles on the floor below the tower and start sweeping up the broken bits of slate while he cursed and scowled at everybody for adding to his workload.

After a while, Sirius spoke again, "Prongs?"

"Hmm."

"Thanks."

_

* * *

"But ye gotta know __where__ ye're just gonna rush in. Ye cannae just rush in __anywhere__. It looks bad, havin' to rush out again straight awa'." - Feegle tactics (Terry Pratchett, The Wee Free Men)_

* * *

Lily Evans was in pain, the excruciating and never-ending sort, not the namby-pamby, disappears with a smile kind.

She had just taken part in the most physically gruelling torture known to man, at least those on the Gryffindor Quidditch team: a three hour practise run by James Potter.

Lily had to give credit where it was due, Potter was an outstanding Captain and player, but Lily didn't think he should feel the need to prove it for such long stretches. Trust the one thing he really tried at to be the one thing that affected her.

Lily leaned back against the comfy cushions on the sofa in the common room and thought about the practise. James had been slightly late, they'd all been surprised to see him fly down from the roof, and even more surprised when Sirius landed beside him, giving him a quick hug, the manly and platonic kind, before walking back up to the castle.

Potter had seemed pre-occupied at first and had been quieter than usual; only shouting out orders occasionally and generally just watching everybody to make sure they kept working well and hard. Lily had felt uncomfortable the few times she felt his gaze on her; making her work harder and better than she normally did.

After about an hour everyone was exhausted, except Potter, he had certainly been flying harder than anyone else but didn't seem at all bothered. In fact, he'd only called a halt because Helena Wan had said she would fall off her broomstick if she didn't get a break soon.

The team landed quickly and had huddled together by the benches breathing quickly for a full minute before Potter had landed amongst them.

"That was really good everyone." He had said calmly. There had been murmured sounds of 'thank you' and 'damn right.' "Right, Evans, you need to be less self conscious – don't worry about where everyone else is so much, we'll get out of your way. Just catch the snitch. Frank, you need to work on that left hand pass…" He had gone on, listing faults from the team members before telling them to mount their brooms again.

Lily had taken to circling the pitch once more and was rubbing her hands together to keep off the chill. The whole team was playing better though, Lily had felt it. They had all taken what Potter had said to heart, and Lily remembered thinking that if they played like that next term in their first match against Hufflepuff they would certainly win.

Lily snuggled up into the corner of the sofa more and pulled out a novel from home, smiling at the thought of winning her first game she read happily.

"Someone's happy." Lily looked up and saw Remus Lupin standing over her,

"I had a good practise." Lily smiled,

"Ah, that's why James is smiling too then." This didn't quite wipe the smile of Lily's face as it usually would; enjoying Quidditch wasn't a punishable offence after all.

"Did you forget something?"

Lily thought quickly but nothing sprung up, "Is it your birthday?" She asked eventually,

"No," He snorted, "Prefect's meeting." A look of horrified comprehension came over her,

"Oh no. When was it?"

"During your practise, I guess you must have forgotten when it ran late." Remus was still smiling, "Don't worry you didn't -"

"The git." Lily cut across him,

"What…who?" Remus was very bemused

"The scheming sod, he did it on purpose. I bet he just wanted me to get in trouble."

"Who?" Lily ignored him,

"JAMES POTTER!" Lily shrieked, storming over to the staircase leading to the boy's dormitories,

"Oh." Remus said quietly before suddenly realising where she was going, "Lily stop!" He cried, racing after the upstart red-head.

Lily raced up the stairs, and barged into the 5th year's dorm, with its signs on the door "The Marauders" and the Marauder motto "Mayhem over Maturity."

"POTTER!" She said, swinging her gaze around the dorm, which surprisingly was relatively clean. The house-elves obviously did their job. Someone walked into the dorm through another door, evidently leading from a bathroom.

James Potter was looking very confused to see a furious red-head in his dorm with a puffed out Remus behind her.

Lily had gone very white and was staring at James' exposed torso, James looked down and realised that he wasn't wearing his top. A nasty scar, still slightly red, ran down the side of his body, starting above his bottom rib and finishing at his belly button,

"Potter, what happened?" Lily gasped, her fury forgotten,

"I fell in a rosebush. Get out." James said coldly,

"But -"

"Get out!" James yelled at her, crossing his arms over the wound and glaring at her.

"I was just trying to show I was concerned." She screeched back,

"Well I don't want your concern." He growled. Remus tried to butt in, Lily could feel him pulling her backwards out of the dorm,

"Fine." She yelled, then she turned and stormed out of the dorm, turning by the door to say, "Thanks for making me miss the Prefect's Meeting by the way."

James and Remus gazed after her as she stomped down the stairs, refusing to meet each others eyes.

"_She wished she knew what it was she was trying not to think about." – Douglas Adams, A Hitch Hikers Guide to the Galaxy._

Once back in the common room Lily sat down in the sofa she had been in when Remus had reminded her of the prefects meeting. She sat fuming on the sofa; glaring at her little brown notebook where she had been noting what she knew about Potter in the hopes of discovering his secret. She threw it into the fire.

Sitting up, the aches in her muscles protesting, Lily dragged a piece of parchment towards her on the desk and dipping her quill in the ink well she began a letter to her parents, hoping it would calm her down,

_Dear Mum and Dad,_

_I hope you all are okay, I feel like I'm dying. Our new Quidditch captain worked us to the ground today!_

_How is university for Petunia? Please tell her I will write her a letter soon – I have just been snowed under with work. The teachers are taking the prospect of OWLs this summer very seriously. I did explain them to you didn't I?_

_Being Prefect's okay, the Head Boy and Girl are really nice so we all get along quite well. I missed the meeting today though – Quidditch practise ran on late. Don't worry I told the captain that it was inexcusable! _

_I better go apologise to Amelia and Amos (the head boy and girl) _

_Love_

_Lily_

_Xx_

Lily looked down at what she had written. Fine, so the last bit wasn't exactly accurate, but she had meant to tell Potter what she thought of him before he had told her to get out.

Lily remembered the cold way he had shouted at her, different to the normal mocking tone he employed around her – even if that too was openly frosty. Lily remembered the last time he had ever spoken to anyone like that, it had been to Snape. Snape had been teasing him about something, some bruise or cut or something trivial. Lily had always thought he had been over reacting to some mocking jibe, but now she wasn't so sure.

One thing was certain, she didn't like how icy Potter's voice had been and how stony his gaze. She didn't like the guy, in fact she detested most of his personality traits; however that didn't mean she hated him and she certainly didn't wish him to be hurt.

"I don't care anymore" She told herself firmly, "It's his own stupid business." She watched the last of the notebook burning in the fire and tried to forget about the cut on Potter's stomach. It was ridiculously easy really; the guy had only cut himself on a rosebush for god's sake.

She snuggled down onto the sofa again, opening her muggle novel and flicking to the page she had marked earlier. She stretched her legs out and then fluffed a pillow before settling back, already forgetting her anger as she became absorbed in the story.


	7. christmas

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 7: Christmas

* * *

"_I have gone out to find myself. If I get back before I return, keep me here."_

* * *

James Potter was slightly confused. Alright, slightly was an understatement. James Potter was very confused. And befuddled. And Worried. And all those things that also implied an exaggerated sense that he should be anxious.

The object causing so much trauma sat in the sofa opposite him, apparently not noticing his presence; but then she also appeared to be absorbed in a book, something James hoped wasn't possible when the book was entitled 'True love on a desert island: 100 tales of romance in adverse conditions.' Every now and again she would write a comment in the margin, and laugh with Parisa about something James couldn't hear.

How Lily Evans could cause so much turmoil just by sitting reading on a sofa was something even she would like to know, and although she would enjoy the knowledge that she was causing James immense emotional strain, she may not have liked the reason why.

James was thinking of their conversation yesterday, rather her bursting in on him in a towel, demanding to know how he'd got his scar and then him freaking out at her and telling her to "Get out." Calling it a conversation was really much shorter, if far less accurate.

James was trying to find out whether Lily had figured out his secret. He had known that Lily was asking questions about him, though he was uncertain what had caused the spur of interest and to be frank at the time it hadn't seemed important. He now wished he had taken a greater interest, and possibly even implemented his plan to steal the small brown notebook she carried around with her. He wondered if she knew enough to figure out his secret, and was panicking that if she did she might tell someone, or that she could even hold it over his head as blackmail. He saw an image of himself bending down and licking her shoes and vowing to bring her ice cream if she didn't tell anyone, shuddering James vowed to prevent that from happening at all costs. So he now had 24 hours until the Christmas holidays to figure out what she knew.

He had a feeling it would all be so much simpler if he knew why she had gone into the room in the first place. Moony had tried to explain it to him, but as he didn't really understand her actions himself – something to do with Moony having about as much of a temper as a goldfish has memory. From what he could gather, Lily had decided that he had run the Quidditch practise on late for the sole purpose of making her miss the Prefect's meeting. James could testify that that had certainly not been on his mind at the time, although it may be an excellent idea in the future. However he really could not imagine why she was so worried, Moony had admitted that she had enjoyed practise, why would she rather go to Prefect's meetings than have extra Quidditch?

Anyway that was not the issue right now.

James continued to watch Lily over the top of his 'Quidditch over the Ages' a universal sign to the common room that no one was to approach him in conversation if they wanted comprehensible answers. The small red head did not appear to notice him at all, occasionally she would glance in his direction but she would glance away just as quickly, and she would look at Sirius and Remus and indeed the ceiling just as frequently so he couldn't really read anything into it. Every now and again she would frown as she read one of the comments she had written and scrub it out with the end of the pencil. James didn't really understand this action, never having seen a pencil from anything but a distance, and then with a distance which just shrieked with mistrust and disapproval.

She looked up suddenly and seemed to focus on James; she frowned as she saw him looking at her and shook her head before returning to the book with Parisa. What did that mean? James thought furiously; a frown, a shake of the head. Why was it all so confusing? Why couldn't she just sit in front of him and say 'look I have no idea about any secrets you may have, I have completely forgotten about our conversation yesterday and I don't even like ice cream'? James somehow doubted she would do anything of the sort.

Sirius, Peter and Remus bounced over. Artis had put a jumping charm on the three of them when Sirius and Peter had been teasing Remus and her. Remus still didn't understand why he had been put under the charm as well as his two friends, but the look on Artis' face when he had asked had been forceful enough to suggest to him that he should leave quickly.

"What are you up to?" Peter asked

"Nothing."

"We got an answer!" Sirius yelled in glee,

"Of course we did, I told you he wasn't really reading!" Remus replied causing James to glare at him, Remus shuddered, "Have you been taking death-glare lessons from Artis?"

"What?" James asked,

"Enough of that," Sirius snapped as the three of them continued to jump up and down in front of him, "Can you take this blasted charm off us? Artis has stolen our wands." James grinned and leaned around his friends to see Artis salute him, Remus', Sirius' and Peter's wands in her hand. He pretended to deliberate the point, but then decided to perform the counter curse when Remus had tried to punch his shoulder, accidentally hitting him in the mouth instead as he jumped again,

"Fine, Fine, _Finite Incantatem._" James snapped, nursing his bruised mouth. He looked at the sofa opposite and didn't know whether he felt worried or happy that Lily had disappeared.

Peter sighed with relief and sank on to the sofa next to James, Sirius and Remus taking the sofa which Lily had recently vacated.

"Prongs put the book away. You're not fooling anybody." Remus finally snapped, James sighed and folded the corner of his page over before turning to his friends.

"So -" He began

"Prongs you've got to help us!" Sirius cut across,

James glanced at Remus and Peter, who were looking at their friend with tolerant amusement,

"We haven't pranked anyone for ages, people are forgetting us. Watch," He turned round and called to a small first year girl who had just entered through the portrait hole, "Hey, kid! Who am I?" The poor girl looked terrified, but still she spoke up,

"S…Sirius Black?" the girl fled as Peter, Remus and James burst out laughing,

"Forgotten, Padfoot?" James queried, the git didn't seem perturbed and carried on with an air of unconcerned arrogance,

"Well, that was just an isolated incident. Anyway, about this prank…"

James had to admit that there was nothing which quite stopped you worrying so much as planning a prank.

* * *

"_A woman without a man is like a fish without a bicycle." – Gloria Steinem_

* * *

At breakfast the next morning James was watching Lily again, however not very well, he kept smirking at his plate instead when he remembered the prank, unknowingly making Lily very uncomfortable. Both he and his fellow Marauders appeared scarily alert, Lily had guessed they were wearing glamour charms, hiding actual fatigue, and the very idea filled her with horror. After five years of sharing a common room with the four boys she knew the signs of a major prank.

She admitted to herself that it should have been obvious that there would be a prank today, the last day of term, and also that it would probably be spectacular considering the extended delay since their last major effort. Unfortunately spectacular was not necessarily good news when it came to the Marauders.

5 minutes later the Great Hall was packed, with many people chatting and swapping holiday plans. James rolled his eyes. Why would you wait until the last minute before asking your friends what they were doing over the holidays? He was just about to turn to Remus and tell him to give the signal to start the prank when suddenly a wailing bush appeared in front of him, "Jaaammmiiiieeee?" It squealed,

"Caroline?" He asked in confusion, as the bush pulled her hair out of her face and a girl appeared with red eyes and mascara streaming down her cheeks. He had been dating Caroline for about two weeks, she was fun and had great legs, those two things _almost_ made up for the fact that she insisted on calling him 'Jamie'. James had made clear at the age of four and a half that no one should call him Jamie any more, and the fact that his girlfriend disregarded the rule was more than slightly aggravating. However, now that was the least of his problems.

"Why don't we talk outside?" He asked carefully, eyes pleading with Remus to get him out of this. Remus just shrugged and tried to look vaguely sympathetic. James instead looked at Sirius and mouthed 'do the prank without me' at him, hoping he realised through his silent laughing.

"S…sure." She sniffled,

Once outside the Great Hall, in the relative silence in front of the staircase, James turned to Caroline and gave her a hug, trying not to grimace as her mascara stuck on his cheek, "What's wrong?" He asked gently,

"W…what's wrong?" She practically shrieked, drawing back. James knew instantly he had made a mistake, "What's wrong? I haven't seen you for two days!" She screeched, "You told me you were going to Quidditch practise and you never came back, and…and I leave in half an hour and you didn't even come over to say g…goodbye." She started her muffled crying again,

"I'm sorry," James ran his hand through his hair; he did _not_ want this now. "I was at Quidditch practise and then afterwards I was getting ready to find you and Lily Evans started shouting at me, and you know how she gets sometimes," James had the sinking feeling that he had made another mistake,

"You were with Evans!" She almost screamed, her breathing heavy

"No. NO. Ugh, no. I told you she was yelling at me. Then yesterday I had so much homework and I was trying to make you something special." Her face lit up, and James was mentally congratulating himself on his quick thinking "You know, a going away present." James hastily mumbled a spell under his breath and transfigured a piece of parchment in his pocket into a beautiful card, there was a picture of her drawn on the front – looking slightly better than she did now – and inside was a small note. James silently thanked Peter for getting him that book on advanced transfiguration for his birthday. Caroline looked thrilled,

"You made this for me?" James nodded meekly, scared by how quickly her moods were changing, "I've been an awful girlfriend haven't I?" James thought that this was where he was meant to protest so he shook his head vigorously, "Yes, I have. I accused you of ignoring me and all this time you've been making me such a lovely present." James grinned at her, and she leaned in to kiss him. Their lips were centimetres apart when suddenly "BANG!"

Caroline jumped backwards, "What was _that_?"

"I have no idea." James said quickly, but, of course, he did have an idea. If all had gone to plan, that bang was the sound of 250 jugs of pumpkin juice exploding simultaneously, and in just a moment, yes there was the pop, every single student and teacher would grow long pointy ears and would suddenly be wearing a green hat, bell on the end and long, curly shoes. The perfect Christmas elves. James hoped Sirius, Remus or Peter was taking photos.

Caroline looked suspiciously at James and walked into the Great Hall. It was pandemonium: students were trying to remove hats which seemed stuck to their heads, silver bells jingling; Professor McGonagall was loudly declaring that she would "murder those boys" and a number of students were laughing at Dumbledore who was wearing a red outfit and was carrying a large sack, with his long beard he looked just like Father Christmas.

Just as James walked in behind Caroline a large poster unfolded from the ceiling, _Messrs Moony, Wormtail, Padfoot and Prongs would like to wish you all a Happy Christmas._ Next to their names was a picture of Father Christmas, he was cloaked in a red robe and beneath the glittering blue eyes was a long silver beard. He was holding out a bag of lemon bonbons.

Everyone started laughing, including Dumbledore at the head table; he drew a small yellow sweet out of one of his pockets and saluted James silently before popping it into his mouth with a chuckle.

Caroline wasn't laughing. She quickly rounded on James, who backed hastily out of the hall, unfortunately for him the hall began to go quiet just as Caroline began her tirade,

"JAMES POTTER!" She screamed. James took a few more steps back, "You said you spent _all_ of yesterday making me a going away present! I can't believe you lied to me and instead of spending time with your _girlfriend_ you were off coming up with immature pranks with your juvenile friends!"

There was a muffled "Hey" from the Gryffindor table which had apparently been shouted by Sirius,

"Well, you see, Caroline, the thing is…" James began but Caroline cut straight across him apparently absolutely livid,

"You're very good looking Jamie, and a great guy, but I'm afraid that you are going to have to spend less time with your friends and more time with me." Caroline looked expectantly at him, obviously expecting him to submit to her demand. The entire student body looked at him. Even the teachers were watching the whole thing curiously. James, however, was getting more and more angry,

"No." James said furiously. Caroline looked horrified, "I refuse to regret spending more time with my friends – people who have stuck by me for 5 years – than you – who I've been seeing for two weeks!" James took a deep breath and lowered his voice, still unaware of the entire Great Hall watching, "I am aware that I may not have been the greatest boyfriend for the last two days but that does not give you the right to start issuing ultimatums. I'm sorry, but I'm afraid this isn't going to work." And with that he stormed up the marble staircase towards the seventh floor. Half way up he picked out his wand and cried, "_Accio_ toast."

A guy has to eat after all.

* * *

"_I have a horror of sunsets; they're so romantic, so operatic." – Marcel Proust_

* * *

Lily was still laughing as she sat down in a compartment on the Hogwarts Express opposite Parisa. The train had been delayed slightly as the teachers had needed to spend time reversing all of the spells placed on the pupils. Remus and Artis fell into the compartment a moment later because Artis had tripped over a sleeve which was hanging out of her trunk.

Once everyone was seated and calm the four began to chat, mainly discussing this morning's prank – Remus declared that he had absolutely no idea who the perpetrators were, although he did get very upset when Lily suggested that perhaps Snape was behind it. This was an idea ridiculous in the extreme: Snape had had larger elf ears than most.

Something Artis and Parisa found hysterically funny was James' and Caroline's break-up, and in fact they had refused to leave the topic for the last half an hour,

"And when he told her that his friends were more important -"

"You should have seen the look on her face -"

"Wasn't that sweet of him Remus? Sticking up for you and Sirius like that."

"And Peter." Remus said crossly,

"Sorry, I forgot. Didn't you think it was sweet?" Artis smiled,

"Very _sweet_." Remus said and Lily tried to stop herself from laughing at the look on Remus' face at having to describe his friend as 'sweet.'

"What are you laughing at Lily?" Parisa demanded, sensing trouble Lily brandished the book she was holding,

"Something in here made me laugh." Parisa, Artis and Remus looked incredulously at her,

"Lily? That book is called 'True love on a desert island: 100 tales of romance in adverse conditions.'" Parisa said slowly as Remus sniggered, "That was the book you were dissecting with me last night, and explaining the ways in which each person in the book was either delusional, was on hallucinogenic drugs or had been dropped on their heads as a baby."

"I'm sure you mentioned something about their minds being destroyed by excessive quantities of hair dye as well." Remus added wickedly,

Lily looked slightly embarrassed, "What? It _is_ a terrible book."

"Why did you buy it then?" Artis grinned,

"I didn't," She looked at the floor, and then mumbled quickly "I-borrowed-it-from-Florence-Stebbins."

"What was that?" Parisa asked innocently,

"I borrowed it from Florence Stebbins." Lily said more clearly,

"Lily, you were making notes in the margin." Remus said incredulously

"Well, she had made some too." She looked around defensively, "What? Just because I'm not naïve enough to believe that being trapped in a snow storm is going to make some amazing guy who has never previously looked at me fall in love with me." They continued to stare with her, "If I told you that she had crossed out every guys name in the book and replaced it with 'Sirius' would you call me justified."

"She did what?" Parisa shrieked in disbelief,

"O, don't talk like that. You're starting to sound like Caroline when she was 'talking' to James." Lily realised this was a bad idea when she started being death-glared at by Remus, something she knew was bad as the guy had about as much temper as a goldfish has memory – she would have been horrified to know that James Potter had used the same simile the day before. Unfortunately Lily knew Remus was perfectly justified in shooting mental daggers at her, if she could have she would have done it to herself because now Artis and Parisa were back on Gossip Corner heading north at 120 miles per hour towards Crazy Town.

"And when he stormed up the stairs -"

"And when she went ballistic and threw that helmet after him -"

"And she was attacked by the armour looking for its head -"

It was, Lily decided, enough to make any one take refuge in 'True love on a desert island: 100 tales of romance in adverse conditions' well, she and Remus played hangman on the back cover – she wasn't quite desperate enough to read it seriously yet.

Finally, they arrived at King's Cross, standing on the platform the four said enthusiastic goodbyes, Artis and Remus snogging rather too ardently in Lily's opinion. But then Remus had been subjected to a second-by-second dissection of his best friend's latest heartbreak and so maybe he deserved a conciliatory kiss.

Lily waved to her friends and walked through the archway which separated the Hogwarts Express from the rest of King's Cross Station. She spotted her parents standing just a little way away and headed over to them, beaming madly as she realised how much she had missed them while she was at school.

She hugged her mother, noticing how they were now the same height and showing off about the fact until her father grabbed her in a big hug and told her that she would never be as tall as 'her daddy.' Lily grinned at them both and then turned to her sister, Petunia. The two had not always got along; their similar slender figures betrayed their different personalities and Lily becoming a witch had not always sat well with her normal and conservative big sister. However, Lily still gave her a heart felt hug – she had missed Petunia and her pristine manners and quirky smiles. Petunia gave her a real smile in return as Lily demanded to know all about university life and about the cute boys Petunia had been meeting.

* * *

"_I not only use all the brains that I have, but all that I can borrow." - Woodrow Wilson_

* * *

Back at Hogwarts James had fallen back into worrying, his friends had at first thought it was just because so many Gryffindors had gone home for Christmas, leaving the house quiet and lacking somewhat it's usual warmth; then they decided that it must be because he was actually upset about breaking up with Caroline.

Sirius told James there were plenty more fish in the Hogwarts' sea.

James gave Sirius a dead arm.

Sirius and Peter quickly decided that James wasn't missing Caroline.

James wished suddenly that he could talk to Remus. Remus was probably closest to Evans out of all of them _and_ Remus actually was the one who had realised that Evans had been asking questions about him. He summoned a piece of parchment and stole a fourth year girl's quill; grimacing at the pink ink he began to pen a note to Remus.

_Hey Moony!_

_How was the trip back home? Say hi to your folks from me, and ask your mum if she has any more of those chocolate brownies…they could be an early Christmas present! Anyway I kind of need some advice. But, have you talked to Sirius this term? About, well, me? Anyway if you have that's ok and well yeah, basically that's _

Here there was an odd squiggle like something had been half written and then crossed out.

_Nevermind. _

_Hope sharing a compartment with 3 girls didn't drive you insane. Poor you stuck with Evans! Anyway hope you're ok. Write back soon._

_Prongs_

_(P.S. Sorry about the pink ink.)_

James looked down at the letter. He had a sneaking suspicion that Remus knew about his home life but he wasn't a hundred percent sure. Of course he felt bad about not telling Remus and Peter his secret, especially when he knew about Remus. Some how he had never got round to telling them. It's not the sort of thing he could just sit someone down and tell them. He stood up and told Sirius and Peter that he was going to send an owl to Remus asked if they had anything they wanted to write. Sirius promised he would write later and Peter scrawled a _"See you soon" _on the back of James' letter.

On the way up to the owlery James thought about talking to Sirius. After all Sirius was right here with him and definitely knew everything there was to know about him, the problem was how he could talk to Sirius without Peter knowing. He felt slightly guilty, knowing that he would probably tell Remus everything made him feel bad about not letting Peter into the secret. They were best friends too, and while Peter sometimes was a bit thick he had more than proved his loyalty.

James sighed deeply. So he had decided, he would tell them all and get their opinion on whether they thought Evans would figure it out. He took out a quill which someone had left and scribbled on the bottom of the letter, _"Am sending two-way mirror. Marauder meeting" _Hopefully this would all be in the open by tonight.

"_TEACHER: Explain Newton's First Law of Motion in your own words"'_

"_CALVIN: Yakka foob mog. Grug pubbawup zink wattoom gazork. Chumble spuzz." - Bill Watterson_

Lily Evans was having a wonderful time, she and her mother had just finished making mince pies, Petunia had gone out with some friends, which Lily heard from her mother actually meant 'with Vernon' who was apparently Petunia's boyfriend of two months.

Her father came into the kitchen, kissing his wife on the cheek and ruffling Lily's hair. She scowled at him but he ignored her look and gave her a broad smile.

"So how's school?" he asked her,

"Fine."

"They're working you hard by the sounds of it." Lily grimaced,

"Yeah, the teachers are piling on the workload before OWLs." Lily sighed, "I should be working now actually, I have an essay in basically every subject." Lily's mum laughed,

"Oh, my poor baby, we finally get to see you and now you're going to be locked up doing homework all holiday." Lily looked mournful; she knew her parents missed her while she was away, and that as much as they were prouder of her than they could possibly be, they still found it difficult when she talked about things they could never be part of. She felt saddened that she could no longer ask her dad about her homework and that they couldn't laugh together about how dreadful her mother was at maths. Lily suddenly had an idea and smiled at her mum and dad,

"Daddy, can you help me with my homework." Mr Evans looked at his youngest daughter in surprise; it had been years since he had last understood anything she brought home to do in the holidays,

"Of course." Wondering how on earth he could help Lily. She grinned broadly and ran upstairs. Her parents looked at each other, both wondering what was happening,

"Here." She slammed her arithmancy book down on the table and grabbed a piece of parchment and a quill from her bag which was near the kitchen door. Opening the book to the correct page she said "Dad, please may you explain the Cosine Rule to me?" Her father grinned and for the first time in a long time he felt like he could help his daughter.

"Absolutely. I had no idea that Wizards needed trigonometry." He looked at her quill in brief interest before dipping it in the ink well she had produced,

"Oh yes, it's very important. In group magic it's used to calculate exact angles in…" Mr Evans hadn't a clue what his daughter was talking about so knowledgably, although he had to admit that it sounded fascinating. So he pulled the parchment towards him, grinned brightly at Lily and said

"So what do you need to know?"

* * *

"_It is always the best to tell the truth unless, of course, you are an exceptional liar." – Jerome K Jerome_

* * *

James was pacing up and down his dormitory nervously; he had told Sirius and Peter that they were to have a Marauder's Meeting. Immediately Sirius had volunteered to go and get food from the kitchens and Peter had gone with him. James thought that Sirius probably realised what this was about, although he had never urged James to tell their two other friends, Sirius had never understood why he hadn't.

Sirius was also behaving very oddly. When James had announced a Marauder's Meeting he had gone pale and looked up at his friend questioningly. Maybe this run to the kitchens was just Sirius' way of putting off the emotions that were bound to spill out tonight. The Marauder's didn't often talk about emotions in the way their girlfriends always seemed to.

Sirius and Peter suddenly appeared in the doorway, tugging off James' invisibility cloak. They carefully placed a large stack of chocolate muffins, sandwiches and Butterbeer bottles in the middle of the room before turning expectantly to James.

An owl flew to the window and James unwrapped the note from its leg,

_Have got the mirror. I'll keep it near by._

_Moony._

James sighed with relief; he didn't really want to have to say this twice. He wanted even less to have to send it in a letter. He quickly crossed the room to Sirius' bed, grabbed the two way mirror lying on his bedside table and sat it on a trunk facing the middle of the room. He cleared his throat and enunciated clearly, "Remus Lupin."

Immediately the mirror clouded over and then Remus' faces appeared in the glass,

"Prongs?" He quizzed, before he spotted Sirius and Peter in the back ground, he waved cheerily at them and sent them a look which clearly said 'you don't happen to know what's going on, do you?'

"Hey Moony." Sirius said with a flourish and Peter echoed, James smiled a tight smile at Remus and said,

"Sorry about this Moony." Remus brushed it off,

"No problem, my parents are out anyway."

"But it's the first night back." Peter asked in surprise,

"Yeah, well, they had this charity gala thing they couldn't get out of." James looked shocked,

"Really? I don't remember my parents mentioning one."

"Oh, it's a muggle thing." The other three nodded their heads and the awkward silence stretched, three faces looked at James and he looked at his shoes,

"So is it quiet there without me?" Remus began at exactly the same time as Sirius opened his mouth and said,

"So what's this meeting for?"

They looked at each other and at began jumping over themselves to apologise,

"Sorry, what were you going to say -"

"No, no, what were you going to say -"

"It was nothing important you go -"

"That's alright I insist -"

James and Peter looked at each and started laughing, Sirius and Remus looked shocked before grinning too. Soon they were all laughing, but it was a bit forced and a slightly too long, not at all like their ordinary unreserved laughter. They were all covering up their worry about what the meeting could be about. Peter looked the most confused as he genuinely had no idea what was going on, the other two just wondered why James was going to talk about himself.

The room fell silent again and all eyes turned to James but he just picked up a chocolate muffin and bit into it, he suddenly started talking,

"Sorry about calling this meeting, but, um, I kind of have a problem. Well, I don't know how much you know about my home life. Well, um, I know how much Sirius knows but that's well, it." He paused and took a deep breathe, picking chocolate chips out of his muffin. "It's not great, really. I mean my parents are fine and stuff but." He took a deep breathe, this wasn't working, Peter was looking puzzled, Remus was looking worried and Sirius was picking the label off a bottle of Butterbeer, he was about to try again but Sirius stopped him,

"Don't worry Prongs, we know." James was knocked for six,

"You. _Know_?"

"We know." He reiterated heavily "Everything." He continued to pick his Butterbeer label,

"Oh," That just about summed it up he thought, "How?"

"I figured it out," Remus said, "And Padfoot verified it."

"Oh,"

"My mum told me." Peter said quietly, Sirius and Remus looked at him in surprise, never having known how Peter had figured it out. "She's a mediwitch." They all nodded their heads solemnly and James took another bite of his chocolate muffin,

"Oh," It was becoming something of a catchphrase. There was another pause, "Well, now that's out in the open," he said false cheerily, "we can get to the point of this meeting."

"There's a point to one of our meetings?" Remus quipped out of habit, James death glared him and suddenly everything was as it usually was between them. James launched into the tale of how Lily Evans had burst into his dorm and seen his scar, exaggerating her pale skin in contrast to her hair and doing a passable impression of Moony dragging Lily (who was played by Peter) out of the room. Soon the four boys were in hysterics.

When Peter's hair had been returned to its original mousy brown colour and James had replaced his glasses James asked, "So, how much do you think she knows?"

_

* * *

"What do you call people who are afraid of Santa Clause? Claustrophobic!"_

* * *

It was Christmas Day and the Evan's house awoke to the noise of a shrill scream echoing along the sleepy corridor which separated Lily's room from Petunia's. A second later Petunia was hammering on her door. Lily cracked it open, wearily fighting back a yawn, and was shocked to see a barn owl. The poor thing was obviously put out as it was now being chased down the stairs by her older sister who was waving a curtain rail at it. The owl spotted Lily and seemed to decide to fly over to someone who wasn't screaming like a loony at it.

Lily stuck out her arm and the owl landed just below her elbow, and then flew off as Lily ducked rapidly to avoid Petunia's curtain rail knocking her head off. Lily held her door open and then followed the owl into her room, slamming the door closed quickly.

"Petunia," She yelled through the door, "it's alright it's just a post owl." Lily sighed as she head Petunia begin shrieking to her parents about the 'crazy owl' who attacked her and was probably eating Lily alive as they spoke. She was not amused when Lily walked out, gently feeding the owl a titbit and telling their parents that far from being mauled by the 'sweet' owl, she actually thought it was rather darling.

Petunia screamed again and stormed back into her room.

"Merry Christmas." Lily told her parents, only slightly sardonically, as she went back into her room promising she would be downstairs in just a moment.

Once the door was firmly shut and Lily was sat on her bed she stroked the owl once and then undid the string holding her letter in place. I was actually more of a small parcel than a letter and she smiled as she recognised Parisa's writing,

_Hi Lils, _

_HAPPY CHRISTMAS! I can't believe it has finally arrived. Have you spoken to Artis at all? She's been telling me all about this wonderful boy who has moved in just down the road from her, he's a muggle obviously but she won't shut up about him._

Lily frowned, what about Remus? She decided she'd ask later and continued reading the letter; she had missed her friends a lot.

_My parents have decided that we're to have the entire Christmas holiday _en masse_ and so I have spent the last few days trying to avoid my darling cousins, great aunts and, of course, assorted Potters and Lupins. I have not run into either James or Remus yet, I think I may have to set my brother and his friends on them if they turn up! _

_I hope your holiday is slightly less hectic, and that you enjoy your present. I've already received yours, thank you so much Lils, its perfect!_

_I must sign off, Flynn is trying to decapitate my new kitten – try and think of a name for it won't you?_

_Merry Christmas again, maybe we could meet up sometime. Can you get to Diagon Alley? _

_Love_

_Parisa._

Lily smiled, she always loved hearing of Parisa's chaotic family, her little brother Flynn was scarily cute for one so mischievous, but decapitating a kitten – Lily laughed knowing that Parisa was exaggerating as normal.

Lily hadn't realised how close Parisa's family must be to the Potters and the Lupins, but then the pure blood families were all interlinked. Wizards really are an incestuous bunch, she giggled to herself, though she knew that it was merely similar to the British royal family's bloodline; with such little choice intermarriage really was the only option.

It was a shame that all that convoluted genetic matches hadn't rendered Potter a bumbling, idiotic, mute.

Maybe wizards had some kind of spell to prevent that sort of thing?

Lily shook her head in annoyance. Ever since she had had _that_ argument with him she kept thinking about Potter at the strangest times. They had always had an odd relationship, something her friends described as hate/hate but she thought was merely built on mutual dislike.

Hate was a very strong word after all.

She remembered throwing her little notebook in the fire in Gryffindor Common Room and did not regret it. However she also remembered Potter's scar, it was very difficult to forget. Lily had to admit that at first she had just been shocked at seeing his chest, he was very well toned, if slightly wiry, however soon horror settled in when she saw the deep red mark.

Fell in a rosebush? She didn't think so, but she reminded herself that Potter's business was not her own. She had vowed not to bother with him and she was doing it again. The arrogant prat was definitely proving harder than expected to get out of her mind.

She scooped up Parisa's present and ran downstairs, placing it under the tree where she had already put her present from Artis, one which had surprised her from Remus (she had swiftly sent him some Honeydukes chocolate in exchange), and one which she blushed to look at – a beautifully wrapped present from a Ravenclaw, Luke Smith, who she hoped would ask her to go on the next Hogsmeade trip.

She walked through into the kitchen and smiled at her family, her parents smiled back and though Petunia still seemed put out about the 'owl incident' she waved her tea cup in greeting. It was going to be a great Christmas.

* * *

"_It is better to waste one's youth than to do nothing with it at all." – Ronald Firbank_

* * *

Christmas at Hogwarts did not kick off with a scream, but with a loud squeal. As soon as they heard it Peter, James and Sirius sat up in their beds, fumbling with their bed sheets before blearily standing and looking around for the source of the noise. Granted with the sight of three of the Marauders, in their pyjamas no less, caused the squeal to sound again. The girl had not missed the fact that Sirius' shirt hung open.

"What's going on?" James asked, trying to find his glasses, he knocked over a glass of water; it splashed up Peter's leg causing him to yowl. Two or three giggles soundly sounded from near the door,

"You!" Sirius suddenly launched at the door and their was a slight scream and three fourth year girls took off down the stairs and back into the Common Room, when they reached the relative safety of the room and discovered they were not being chased one of them yelled at the top of her lungs,

"I SAW THE MARAUDERS IN THEIR PYJAMAS!" back in their dorm three boys flinched. Then James and Peter burst out laughing as another of the girls shouted,

"I SAW SIRIUS BLACK'S CHEST!" Sirius was still slightly disorientated but managed to look pleased with himself nonetheless,

"I have such an intelligent following," He grinned, James snorted,

"Me….rry Christmas, guys." Peter yawned,

"Christmas?" James yelled,

"PRESENTS!" the three shouted together, and ran down the stairs into the common room, tearing towards the tree in the corner where several Gryffindors were already gathered. They each sat in front of their piles and tore in, strewing wrapping paper across the room and occasionally letting out cheers of delight and swapping presents with each other when they received items they already possessed or were worthy of a trade.

Finally James, Sirius and Peter sat in a mountain of presents and wrapping paper, none of them were trying to sort the actual things they wanted from the rubbish they had collected so they just sat under the tree examining some more interesting articles and questioning the sanity of the present givers "why would I need nose-hair curlers and shearers, Padfoot?", until Sirius announced that the common room was not decorated enough.

The other two looked around the splendidly adorned room and back at their friend, sharing a glance. Meanwhile Sirius had pulled out his wand and was spelling some tinsel to read "Sirius Black is a stud." James quickly joined in, he pointed his wand at each of the portraits and they were instantly dressed in red Father Christmas hats and carrying hymn books, inside was the only hymn James could ever remember, 'Frosty the snowman." Peter took a rather less ambitious project and focused on covering each of the windows of the tower in snowflakes. Everyone else had left the common room to go to breakfast, but the Marauder's had still not completely finished their supply of chocolate muffins, although they had by now got a bit stale, and so the muffins were summoned and the boys ate in-between decorations.

James suddenly had a great idea, waving his wand the common room was filled with slow melting snow, the floor was covered by nearly a foot of fine, white powder and Sirius was so delighted by the excellent idea that he failed to dodge a heavy snowball which made its way directly at his face.

Now, soaking wet, Sirius declared a snow ball war and the fight began. When the remaining Gryffindors returned to the tower they were alarmed by the loud shouts echoing down the corridor and the large amount of snow which fell out of the portrait hole when the Fat Lady swung open. Peering inside they were greeted with a scene of complete reckless carnage, James had built a snow fort from which he was rapidly firing snowballs at any one in range, while Sirius and Peter were engaging in guerrilla tactics which would have worked far better if they hadn't been trying to get each other as well as James. Over the top of it all was a long piece of tinsel proclaiming, "Sirius Black is a stud" and a miraculously large angel, who had been taken from the top of the tree, pronouncing at the top of her lungs at random intervals, "James Potter is a god, Sirius Black is a clod."

Unsure of what else to do the other Gryffindors laughed at their housemate's antics, the three girls who had entered the boys' dorm that morning giggled and waved at Sirius. Temporarily distracted both Peter and James bombarded him with snowballs; at last he sank to the ground and gave a very long and intensely passionate speech which ended,

"You can take my snowballs, but you'll never take my right to snowball Snivellus."

This was greeted with a large round of applause from both James, Peter, the fourth year girls and the angel, who had now added to its repertoire "Snivellus is a greasy git."


	8. Vicious Circle

Fatal Incompatibility.

**Summary:** James Potter has a secret. Lily Evans is trying to convince herself she doesn't care. "Trying" being the operative word. She can't get him out of her mind, he can only hope that she doesn't find out. (Eventual L/J)

**Disclaimer: **If this was mine would I need one of these? Alright I'm disclaiming! All the characters you recognise belong to JKRowling; anything you don't recognise is mine. ALL MINE!

Chapter 8: Vicious Circle 

* * *

"_Would it save you a lot of time if I just gave up and went mad now?" – Douglas Adams, The Hitch Hiker's guide to the Galaxy. _

* * *

Lily was at the end of her tether. James Potter was certifiably insane, something which she had long suspected, but now believed absolutely. Ever since she had arrived back at school, slightly tearful at leaving her parents but happy to escape Petunia before they blew up at each other, he had done nothing but watch her, and get his friends to watch her, and ask her friends questions about her. It was driving her mad.

She imagined men in white coats running in and forcing her into a straight jacket as she babbled incessantly in a paranoid whisper that "the little purple bunnies in the orange juice were watching her." Lily threw her hands up in frustration. She couldn't go mad, she'd probably end up being carted off to the same secure unit as James Potter, and then he could watch her as much as he liked. Ugh, was no where safe?

Grimacing, Lily looked down at the parchment she had been steadily working on for an hour and a half, growling with frustration as she read what she had got so far she quickly screwed it up, Flitwick would not want her to hand in homework with _'I HATE James Potter' _written all over it. Yes, she felt slightly hypocritical for writing it, especially after her frequent statements that she hated no one and that hate was a very harsh word. But, somehow, _'I dislike James Potter probably more than I will ever dislike anybody at this precise moment' _didn't quite give her the same sense of satisfaction. She started her work again, trying to concentrate on the correct development of unlocking charms; Lily soon admitted though that she should probably give up after writing for the third time _"the 'alohamora' charm was developed in Hawaii as seen by the word 'aloha' at the beginning of the incantation."_

She sighed as she saw Remus Lupin walking over. Of all the four boys he was acting the most normally, although he did keep asking her strange, searching questions which normally meant Lily spent their entire conversation trying to second guess where he was going.

She watched Remus sit in the chair opposite her, pulling the seat back to provide room for his long legs. "Hi Remus,"

"Lily," He replied, nodding his head, "Why are you in the library?" She pushed her Charms homework towards him and he smirked in amusement "Developed in Hawaii?"

"Don't even mention it," Lily groaned,

"Why do I get the feeling that you're a bit distracted?"

"Maybe because I am." Lily grumbled into her arms as she slumped onto the table.

"So what's bothering you?" Remus asked brightly obviously not realising the floodgates that he had just opened,

"What's bothering me? _What's _bothering _me_?" She breathed deeply, trying to stop sounding so hysterical and failing miserably, "Your little group is what's bothering me. Every where I go one of you is staring at me, especially James could-you-move-to-the-left-so-I-can-see-you-better Potter. You're always talking to my friends about me; _my _friends Remus. I can't concentrate. Everyone has noticed, someone asked me yesterday if Potter fancied me because he watched me all the time." Remus winced, "And you ask what's bothering me?"

"Well, Lily -"

"Remus," Lily sighed heavily, "I'm sorry. I'm just a little overwrought."

"Yeah," Remus said, looking at the small red head in front of him as she once again laid her head in the cradle of her arms and breathed deeply.

"Why are you all watching me?" She asked in a very small voice, looking straight at Remus,

"I can't tell you." Remus said sadly, but inside his heart was brightening; maybe Lily didn't know anything about James after all, even after all his paranoia.

"Is this something to do with the scar on Potter's stomach?" Lily was watching him shrewdly and Remus' own stomach plummeted, or maybe she did. "Because he 'fell into a rosebush' didn't he?" Her words were vicious, scarily sweet. She looked at him directly for a moment as if searching for something and then gathered her books, "You coming to the Prefect's Meeting?"

* * *

"_Well tough shit – he's the one chosen by God as today's scapegoat." – Jonathan Kellerman_

* * *

James was fuming. He and the rest of the Marauder's had decided to watch Lily Evans carefully to see if they could pick up any clues on what she knew, and the more he watched her the less certain he was.

He stalked down the corridor towards Transfiguration and growled when he saw it was completely jam packed. He was _not_ in the mood for this today. Waving his wand every single person directly in front of him rose into the air and James walked through the narrow path way which was now available.

Suddenly a tall Slytherin 7th year stood directly in front of him,

"Let my girlfriend down, Gryffindork." James sighed, you'd think that at least a good insult could have been used, but no. Waving his wand again the Slytherin was also in the air, floating merrily beside his girlfriend in a very interesting choice of attire. James had just _known_ that pink frills would suit him.

Stalking down the corridor he stopped in front of the Transfiguration Classroom's door. "Hey guys," He said dully, feeling slightly better now that he had relieved some anger at a deserving person. Remus, Sirius and Peter were admiring his work on the corridor.

"Nice pathway," Sirius said appreciatively, the corridor was now full of shrieks as those who had previously been floating fell on top of those below. The Slytherin 7th year who had blocked James was cursing "that arrogant git"at the top of his lungs.

Just at that moment the door to the classroom opened and the fifth year Gryffindors walked inside. James took solace that at least someone else looked thoroughly miserable, even if that person was Lily Evans. He brightened considerably at the sight of her; somehow he felt safer around the small red head, as if when he was around she couldn't give anything away.

He turned to the front of the room and pretended to listen to McGonagall's lecture, at the same time he was watching Lily out of the corner of his eye. Every now and again she would turn around and glare at him from her place in the front and he would smirk at the desk before surreptitiously watching her twirl her hair in concentration as she took notes from the board.

Suddenly he heard a cough from in front of him, "Mister Potter," James immediately pasted a glowing smile on her face,

"Professor McGonagall," He replied evenly,

"Potter, have you been listening or have you been watching Miss Evans?" Professor McGonagall glowered at him,

"I've been listening, Professor." James said, biting back the retort that, actually, he _had _been watching 'Miss' Evans.

"Wonderful, then you surely won't hesitate to inform the class why you have not even attempted to transfigure the cup in front of you into a tortoise." Everyone looked at James expectantly and he frowned slightly,

"Well, Professor, as I was preparing for today's class last night I thought it would be best to try the spell out in advance."

"Are you trying to tell me, Mister Potter, that you have already mastered the spell?" Professor McGonagall said incredulously,

"That is _exactly_ it, Professor. Allow me to demonstrate." James waved his wand and muttered the words he remembered from the few moments skim-reading he had done at the beginning of the class and watched with satisfaction as his porcelain cup was transfigured into a small green tortoise. Professor McGonagall pursed her lips but looked pleased despite herself,

"10 points to Gryffindor for having the foresight to look through spells in advance Mister Potter, however, next time you feel like daydreaming in class I suggest you don't rely on luck to get away with it." James grinned impishly at her before she swept away, shaking her head.

Sirius threw James a note, _"teacher's pet."_ James smirked and drew a quick sketch on the page and threw it back to his best friend. Sirius smoothed it open and grinned as he saw **"Takes one to know one."** And drawn underneath was a picture of Sirius fluttering his eyelashes at Professor Vector. Remus laughed as he looked over to see James mocking Sirius cheerfully, it was good that James was laughing – especially after the continual bad mood he seemed to be in at the moment.

The problem seemed to be to Remus that the more James watched Lily and acted in any way suspicious towards her, the angrier she got with him. When she was angry she was more likely to shout at him for what he was doing, and when she shouted at him James in turn got angry and was more likely to do something which merited being shouted at. It was definitely a vicious circle.

Remus sighed, he really needed to talk to James about the effects their constant vigilance may be having on Lily. Somehow he doubted James would be receptive to _that_ particular chat.

"_It is perfectly monstrous the way people go about nowadays saying things against one behind one's back that are absolutely and entirely true." – Oscar Wilde_

James looked up in frustration as Remus shifted and coughed for the hundredth time. "Moony, stop it." He snapped in frustration,

"Stop what?" Remus asked with some considerable surprise, was James telling him to stop watching Lily? That would be wonderful.

"Stop fidgeting and coughing." Or not.

"Oh. Sorry."

The two looked back at their parchments and Remus pulled another book towards him from the shelf behind. James quickly stole a glance at Lily Evans, she was sitting at the table next to them in the library and though she looked incredibly uncomfortable she still seemed absorbed in her work.

"Prongs?" James looked up at Remus who was still bent over the latest tome he had pulled towards him, "Stop it."

"Stop what?" James mimicked,

"Stop watching Lily Evans."

"What? Why?" James looked at him in surprise and Remus coughed and shifted uncomfortably, James glared at him and Remus gave a small smile as he wrote something on to his parchment,

"Because you're making her life difficult, she has no clue what is going on _and_ everyone thinks you fancy her."

"They what?" James said in a strangled voice causing several people in the surrounding area to frown at him.

"They think that you like Lily Evans in a non-platonic way." Remus explained,

"But I don't even like Evans in a platonic way." James said in shock,

"That's not what's on the rumour mill." Remus still stared at his parchment; he didn't want to see what colour of puce his friend was going with that titbit of information,

"Well the 'rumour mill' is wrong." the two sat in silence for a bit, each involved in their homework once more, "How am I making her life difficult?" James asked suddenly,

Remus looked up at him steadily and James felt slightly ashamed, it was kind of obvious why Lily Evans may not be enjoying that particular rumour. "If you really need it explaining to you -"

"She doesn't like the rumour that I fancy her."

"Don't sound so put out about it!" Remus grinned,

"Why wouldn't she want me to fancy her?" James said arrogantly,

"But you don't." Remus pointed out,

"Well, no…"

"Exactly."

The two scratched at their work a bit more before James grew bored again, "So you really don't think that she knows?" He asked, continuing to add detail to his picture of McGonagall on a broomstick as Remus pondered his answer,

"I think she might suspect something is suspicious about you. I don't think she believes your cover story." James' face fell, and Remus hurried on, "However, she has not mentioned it to anybody – not even Parisa and Artis – and she has not made any enquiries since she stopped carrying that brown book around."

"She threw the book in the fire."

"How did you know that?"

"Sirius told me." James finished his picture with a final flourish, "I won't watch her so much" Remus raised an eyebrow at him, "And I won't ask any questions about her to her friends, and I'll get a girlfriend to get rid of that rumour."

"Excellent." Remus replied, pleased with the results of this little chat, "That picture's very good by the way."

"Great, it can be McGonagall's Christmas card." Remus didn't think he should point out that Christmas was two weeks ago.

* * *

"_What a fuss people make about fidelity." – Oscar Wilde_

* * *

The same evening as James and Remus had their conversation in the library Lily, Parisa and Artis were sitting in their dorm 'catching up' on everything they had not yet discovered about each other's holidays, which mainly involved Lily and Parisa badgering Artis to tell her about the boy she had met.

"So, Artis, how was Ireland." Parisa asked calmly,

"It was great going home, don't you guys miss your families when we're away."

"Stop being obtuse Artis. Tell Lily about Eoin Finnegan." Artis grinned despite herself and Lily mentally frowned.

"Oh, Eoin." Artis sighed, "Well, he's wonderful, you know. He's sexy, charming, a great dancer."

"Did you kiss him?" Parisa demanded,

"No!" Artis giggled and then continued in a mock posh accent, dropping her Irish burr for a moment "He's frightfully religious and proper."

"Artis, what about Remus?" Lily asked seriously, but her friend didn't seem bothered,

"What about him?"

"Well, aren't you going out?"

"Yes." Artis said,

"What's that got to do with anything Lily?" Parisa asked,

"Don't you think he would be upset if he knew that Artis was going on about some other guy so much, was contemplating kissing him, and wasn't even thinking about his feelings."

"Well, maybe." Artis said, honestly looking like she hadn't even thought about it. "What should I do about him?"

"Are you planning on trying to get Eoin to ask you out?" Lily asked,

"Oh, you really should 'Tis." Parisa beamed,

"I don't know. It might be difficult because we're away from each other a lot." Artis looked at Lily from under her blonde curls, "I'm going to keep writing him, I really think that he's perfect Lils, but I want you to approve." Lily sighed deeply,

"I do approve 'Tis, if he makes you so happy. But do not try to get him to go out with you while you're still dating Remus. If you're going to go after Eoin it's kinder to dump Remus now." She grinned at Artis encouragingly,

"I'm just going to stay friends with Eoin. At least for now." Artis' eyes twinkled, "Remus _is_ very hot."

Parisa and Lily laughed and Artis launched into a description of her summer and they all laughed at her attempts to get Eoin to kiss her.

After a while their laughing had quieted down, and Parisa looked at Lily, "It's good to hear you laughing after your perpetual bad mood this week."

"You would be in a bad mood too if James Potter and his lackeys – sorry 'Tis – had been watching you and following you all week."

"I think I'd be rather flattered." Parisa said,

"Flattered?" Lily sputtered,

"Sure, James is quite good looking, though certainly not my type, and he must have a crush on you…" She was cut off by Lily launching her broomstick at her head. "That was uncalled for Lily Evans!" Parisa shrieked,

"Potter does not fancy me!" Lily yelled back,

"So why's he watching you and following you around all the time?" Artis asked in interest.

"If I knew I would have gotten him to stop." Lily moaned. However she did have a sneaking suspicion, an idea was forming at the back of her mind and Lily forcefully pushed it away. Obviously Potter's actions were something to do with her seeing his scar but she couldn't see anything that special about it – in fact, it was only because Potter was making such a fuss that she had even considered that his excuse may not have been genuine. She decided to voice the most ridiculous idea she had in the hope that saying it out loud would allow her to believe it, "Maybe it's some Quidditch drill?"

Artis and Parisa started laughing "Whatever you say Lils."

* * *

"_Humour is... despair refusing to take itself seriously." - Arland Ussher_

* * *

Sirius was sitting in the common room looking quite the picture of a classic brooding antihero. He was glaring into the fire place when Peter and Remus came over, chatting about their chances for the Quidditch match against Hufflepuff tomorrow.

"What's up, Padfoot?" Remus said as he plopped down on the chair next to him, Peter sitting opposite,

"Nothing."

"Oh, yes?" Peter queried,

"He's just been moping that none of us have been around entertaining him." Remus joked; Sirius continued to glower at the fire.

"Don't blame us, Moony was patrolling, I was doing detention and Prongs is flying randomly around the Quidditch pitch." Sirius grunted in response, but his friends seemed determined to translate that as a continuation of the conversation,

"I agree Padfoot, Prongs' pre-game ritual _is_ stupid." Remus grinned, Sirius didn't grunt again and seemed to resign himself to the fact that he would have to talk else Remus and Peter would continue to try to engage him in conversation,

"At least he doesn't refuse to eat anything which isn't red for the whole week leading up to the game anymore," Peter and Remus laughed at this comment,

"Do you remember when he spent a day in the Hospital Wing because he had collapsed from trying to live off blood-flavoured lollypops as nothing red was served all day?"

"That _was_ before we'd found the kitchens." Sirius pointed out,

"That was what inspired the search for the kitchens anyway." Peter laughed; they all laughed at their friends many strange and bewildering Quidditch-related rituals.

"So, now you're talking Padfoot, and not moping like some wounded antihero -"

"Antihero?" Sirius cried, outraged

"Well you're not really blonde enough to be a traditional hero." Remus laughed. Peter watched his two friends eagerly and laughed at Sirius' theatrical over-the-top impressions of a wounded hero.

"Anyway," Remus began once he had every one's attention, "Prongs has decided he needs to get a girlfriend to stop these rumours that he likes Lily."

"Well, if he wins tomorrow he'll have no problems -" Sirius grinned at the same time as Peter said,

"You mean he doesn't fancy Lily?" Sirius and Remus looked at Peter in shock,

"Of course not Wormtail, they hate each other."

"Not hate, Moony, strongly dislike."

"Oh yes, hate is a very strong word." Remus mimicked Lily's frequently said words.

"But he keeps watching her even though -" Peter was quickly cut off by Sirius clapping his hand over his mouth,

"Just announce it to the world, Wormtail." Sirius said harshly. Peter squeaked but was interrupted by a loud shriek from the girls dorms,

"Potter does not fancy me!"

"See, Wormtail, even Lily knows that Prongs doesn't fancy her,"

"Don't know why she sounds so happy about that fact, most girls want me to like them."

"Prongs!" Sirius cried happily, now thoroughly throwing off his foul mood as James sat on the final chair in front of the fire. Remus quirked his eyebrows in amusement at James' conceitedness,

"Well neither of you like the other so it's not really problem."

"I'm perfectly likeable, I'm good-looking, smart, rich, _and_ I'm the Quidditch Captain of the best Quidditch team in the school."

"And he's modest, humble, generous, free of any strange habits…" A voice came from behind James' sofa. The boys turned to look at Artis who was smiling down at them, "Nice t-shirt James." She laughed. She was pointing to his too small t-shirt which had a picture of a Quidditch player on it, annotated with _'The perfect Quidditch player's characteristics.'_

"Don't diss the t-shirt Artis," Remus said in stage whisper, "It's the one he wore when he got onto the Gryffindor team, he'll start thinking he'll lose the game if you insult it."

"What happens when it splits because it's too small?" Artis replied, stage-whispering in return,

"Gryffindor will never win another game." Sirius entered the conversation.

James looked put out, "Shut up, it's always worked before."

"O, we wouldn't dream of dissing _the_ t-shirt, James." Artis grinned,

"That's only because we don't have death-wish," Sirius said cheerfully. James growled at them,

"O no, someone must have cursed the t-shirt! It's turning James into a wild animal!" Artis said, feigning horror. They all laughed, and then Artis tugged on Remus' arm, "Remus, will you come to the kitchens with me, I'm hungry?"

"Sure," Remus smiled, standing up. "Don't forget you need to get a girlfriend to stop that rumour Prongs." James frowned,

"You mean he doesn't like Lily?" Artis asked brightly,

"Argh!" James shouted and ran upstairs,

"I'll take that as a 'no.'"

* * *

"_Half this game is 90 mental." - Danny Ozark _

* * *

The following morning a group of seven people sat quietly at the Gryffindor table, staring at their plates as Lily Evans and James Potter, momentarily putting aside their differences for the good of the team, tried to force each of the other members of the team to eat something…anything…please…

At 9:30 there was an hour to go until the match started and the Great Hall was nearly full, Lily was receiving a pep-talk from Artis and Parisa; both were kitted out in full Gryffindor gear: hair braided with red ribbons, Gryffindor scarves wrapped tightly around their necks and apparently with 'Go Gryffindor' banners as well. They had arranged to sit next to Sirius, Peter and Remus and had given the boys a large banner which they refused to divulge the contents of, promising with wicked smiles that they had to leave some surprise support for the game itself.

Ten-minutes later, the Gryffindor Quidditch team was trudging out of the Great Hall followed by the Hufflepuffs. Lily felt jealous of James Potter's apparent calm, and wished that she hadn't eaten that muffin even though she had promised herself that she wouldn't be one of those ridiculous people who refused to eat before a game, taking one glance at him coolly eating toast as the rest of the team bustled and changed around him Lily suddenly felt calmer – if Potter could be cool, calm and collected so could she.

With ten minutes to go the team assembled on the benches before James and he looked around at them, a look of grim determination on his face before he smiled brightly.

"Well, this is it guys, this is the game where we make our mark. Compared to Hufflepuff we are untried and untested – we have a new Chaser combination, a new Beater partnership, a new Seeker and, obviously, a new Captain." He struck a pose and there was a short moment of uncomfortable laughter, Lily appreciated James' attempt to ease the tension, "but this only gives us the advantage. They don't know what we are capable of, they don't know how strong we are and they don't know that we are going to beat their sorry excuse for a team because we practise harder, work together better and, most importantly, we want it more!" The team cheered and hugged each other, lining up before the doors as the announcer began winding up the crowd.

"Here we have people the Gryffindor Quidditch team…CAPTAIN POTTER, LONGBOTTOM, FAVERSHAM, MEADOWES, WAN, HEMLOCK, AND EVANS!"

Lily walked onto the pitch, stood opposite her counterpart from the Hufflepuff team and watched anxiously as Madam Hooch walked onto the pitch, the case containing the balls in her hand. The now elderly woman looked up to the teachers' stands briefly and smiled at her young granddaughter before she turned to the two Captains. They shook hands without the usual rivalry which took place over the starting handshake; in fact the whole atmosphere was more relaxed than usual. The Ravenclaws didn't know who to support and so were just hoping for a good game; the Slytherins did not want the Gryffindors to win on pure principle yet having the nauseatingly nice Hufflepuffs winning did not sit well with them either; the Hufflepuffs and Gryffindors were backing their teams wholeheartedly, yet the teams themselves, though each determined to win, did not have the massive rivalry which was present in all Gryffindor/Slytherin games. All in all this was probably the perfect game for Lily's first match and she settled into her role, determined to win and prove to all the Gryffindors that perfect James Potter had not made a mistake in picking her, that his many adoring fans would not have cause to blame her for a loss.

Jaw set firmly, Lily blasted into the air as the whistle blew and immediately started searching the field for any sign of the elusive, winged snitch. Sweeping around the goalposts Lily was able to watch James receive the Quaffle from Frank Longbottom and with a clever underarm feint throw it through the central hoop. Lily smiled – they were in the lead!

Getting back to searching Lily was too involved in trying to throw the Hufflepuff seeker off her trail to be able to watch first Frank Longbottom and then Tania Faversham score their first goals of the game.

Half an hour later, Lily was still tirelessly searching for the snitch. The score was now 70/40 to Gryffindor and the play was slowing down. Both sides had fantastic keepers, and though the formations used by the Gryffindors were better and more effective the Hufflepuff keeper was managing to block at least 1/3 of all the shots.

James was completely frustrated, seizing the Quaffle, he dodged a Bludger which fired towards him and streaked towards the goal. Unfortunately he began to do this at exactly the same time as Lily finally caught sight of the Snitch.

Blocking everything around her in her focus Lily shot off towards the Golden Snitch and the crowd watched in horror as the two players sped obliviously towards each other in what would certainly be a collision.

In the crowd Artis was yelling at the top of her lungs, glaring as she did at anyone who was not supporting Gryffindor.

All eyes on the field were focused on Lily and James; the two members were mere metres away from each other.

Lily and James did know what was about to happen and with one swift movement Lily ducked her head; James gave a brief nod, to all watching both looked as if they had never taken their eyes off their individual goals.

One second before impact Lily dipped down, so narrowly avoiding James that she could feel the light buffering of the air around his broomstick. The crowd roared as they rushed past each other, Lily stretched out her arm for the snitch and James lobbed the Quaffle at the central hoop with all his might.

The audience watched with baited breath as Lily did a small sideways loop, the Quaffle flew through the goal and as soon as she heard the cheer of the crowd she snaked out her arm and grabbed the small, gold Snitch from the air.

Lily raised her arms in the air, whooping in celebration and immediately flew to the ground. She hugged every member of the team, screaming in happiness.

"AND LILY EVANS, GRYFFINDOR'S NEW SEEKER CAUGHT THE SNITCH. 150 POINTS TO GRYFFINDOR! THOSE LAST FEW MOMENTS HAVE DEFINITELY BEEN THE MOST EXCITING OF THE ENTIRE GAME, ONLY POTTER AND EVANS' SEAMLESS UNDERSTANDING ON THE PITCH STOPPING WHAT SEEMED TO BE A SURE FIRE HEAD-ON COLLISION AND TURNED IT INTO THE WINNING MOVE OF THE GAME. SURELY THAT WAS A RECORD – SHORTEST TIME BETWEEN A GOAL AND THE SNITCH BEING CAUGHT?"

But no one answered the Ravenclaw commentator's question as they were all too busy celebrating; the whole of Gryffindor house seemed to have rushed onto the pitch, scooping up each member of the team in their joy. Lily waved at Artis and Parisa in the crowd, who were standing waving a large banner with Remus, Sirius and Peter. She pretended to glare at them as she read what it said but was in too good a mood to do anything about it.

The writing may not have been as elaborate as what normally showed up on the Marauder's handy work but it was still bold and clear,

"GRYFFINDOR: THE WINNING TEAM BUILT ON 'EXTREME DISLIKE'!"

* * *

"_I've had a perfectly wonderful evening. But this wasn't it." - Groucho Marx_

* * *

The party in the Gryffindor Common Room following the game was spectacular. A large supply of Butterbeers and party food had somehow made its way into the common room, and, though Lily had her suspicions about who had magicked the food up here, at the sight of popcorn she vowed that they obviously needed to be given house points for their excellent food taste.

Photos were floating around the room, Lily shrieked in mock outrage when Sirius showed her a photo of herself with large elf ears following the Marauder's Christmas prank. She restrained herself from being too mad though when Sirius showed her his own photo and she had to admit that elf ears suited her far more than they did him. Sirius said if she said such things again he would make sure the House Elves never gave her any popcorn again. Lily said she would cry.

James Potter was surrounded by a group of fourth year girls and was desperately trying to escape with all his clothes. Remus mouthed at him, "You said you would get a girlfriend." James sighed in resignation and turned to the prettiest of the four girls surrounding him, messing his hair and in his most suave voice James said to her,

"Why don't you come with me to get another Butterbeer?" The girl grinned and took his arm, her friends sending her jealous looks before seeing if they could find any other guys.

Sirius had by this time collected all of the photos which had been floating around and had banished them to his room; he had decided that he loved photos. Now, he was attempting to chat up Parisa Atri, who was laughingly pushing off his advances, "Seriously Sirius, go back to your little fan girls." She laughed as Sirius clutched his heart,

"O, you wound me, beauteous maiden."

Remus was fighting his way over to Artis, who smiled warmly at him as they sat side by side on the sofa farthest away from the food table, "hey 'Tis,"

"Hey. It was a good game wasn't it?"

"I thought Lily and James were going to kill each other." Remus laughed,

"Or end up in the hospital wing at least."

"Did you see how Lily waited to catch the snitch so James could score first?"

"Yeah, but that does put us further ahead for the house cup."

"Only by ten points." Remus grinned,

"But we're still in the lead!" Artis cheered,

"Yeah!" And the two clinked their glasses together in celebration before downing their Butterbeers.

Two hours later the party was still in full swing, James was kissing the fourth year in a corner, Sirius had given up on Parisa and was laughing with Peter, Artis and Remus were following James' example and Lily and Parisa were fighting good-naturedly over the rest of the popcorn.

Suddenly a large officious looking owl flew into the common room and over to Peter and Sirius. Looking up in surprise Sirius made to take the note but the owl flew towards Peter. Shrugging his shoulders Sirius allowed Peter to take his letter.

"What does it say Wormtail?" Sirius asked curiously. Instantly all of the music stopped in the common room and people looked around in surprise as Professor McGonagall stood in the portrait hole.

"Mister Pettigrew, if you could please follow me." Silently Peter followed McGonagall out of the room, still clutching his letter tightly in his fist. James stepped forward quickly, grabbing Peter's shoulder,

"Do you want me to come to Professor?"

"Thank you Mister Potter, but you can return to your party." Despite her clipped tone Professor McGonagall did appear to smile a little at James after his offer.

Everyone watched as the podgy boy followed the tightly laced deputy head out of the room and as soon as the portrait swung shut every burst into loud whispers. James, Sirius and Remus made their way over to the chairs nearest the fire, not worried when Lily, Artis and Parisa joined them to ask if Peter was ok. Six of the seven fifth year Gryffindors sat together, worrying about the last of their group and swapping conspiracy theories.

No one really felt like partying anymore.

* * *

"_One can survive everything nowadays except death." - Oscar Wilde_

* * *

Late that evening Peter Pettigrew returned to Gryffindor tower, sitting in the common room was the ruins of the abandoned party and six fifth year Gryffindors.

They had fallen silent shortly after the common room had completely emptied, the occupants cutting off a party because of Professor McGonagall's appearance for the first time since she could remember.

"Hey Pete." Remus said as the exhausted boy entered, reverting to his real name instead of nickname because more than anything Peter looked like he needed it. The others all turned around and greeted Peter warily, each certain something catastrophic had happened and none sure what it was.

An unspoken question hovered in the air between the two groups, one gathered together and one standing in the shadows by the entrance, _"What's wrong?" _

Lily suddenly got up and dragged Artis and Parisa with her, "I hope your ok Pete, we're going to bed." She said softly, obviously recognising his unwillingness to talk in front of the girls. James was grateful for Lily's astuteness, even though he refused to admit that even to himself.

"Good Night girls!" Sirius tried to grin,

"Night," Remus repeated, pecking Artis on the cheek. James and Peter waved vaguely at them.

Once the three girls had gone the common room was silent again but for the crackle of flames in the dying fire. Peter sat on the now empty seat and looked sadly at his hands,

"Dad," He began, voice steady, "has had a heart-attack."

"Oh Merlin," James said,

"Is he…ok?" Sirius asked, wincing at how horrid that sounded,

"No." The silence stretched as James, Sirius and Remus waited for clarification. "He died."

"I'm sorry, Pete." Remus said,

"Yeah." He said quietly, "Will you guys come to the funeral?"

"Sure we'll come." James said quickly. There was another long pause as each wondered what affect this could have on the weakest of their friends,

"How's your mum?" Sirius asked,

"She's coming up tomorrow." Peter evaded, his voice monotonous

"Great." Remus said, though he wasn't sure why.

"No, it's not." Peter replied. What more was there to say?

* * *

A/N: this chapter is dedicated to my friedn Emma, I'm going to miss you next term Emz. Anyway, I have gone back and redone many of the chapters, no content has changed but some wording is different. Oh, and the mention Lily made before about their first match being against Ravenclaw was deleted.

PLEASE REVIEW - I have a hit counter and KNOW that many aren't!

aml

x


End file.
